Thursday (6/30/05 9pm)
So I had bloodwork done, only to be called by the doctors office today and told that they need to do it again....it wasn't transported properly by the lab, not enough ice or something like that...hey, we all screw up in our jobs sometimes. Sooooo, I get to go back and do it all over again. Oh joy.
So I'm reading my Cosmo magazine and right there on the front is an article titled "How to feel great in a bikini." I'm intrigued.
After reading page 194, I realized that I'm not the only one out there that doesn't feel great in a bikini. Losing these 15 pounds would be a great start.
According to Cosmo 87% of women feel self conscious in a bikini. Here's the article's kell-notes, they tell you how to apply self-tanner to make it look like you have a thinner waist and thinnner legs. They also give some mumbo-jumbo about cellulite and sit-ups. Not sure if I'm buying the whole sit-up thing. I mean if spot-reduction worked (you know, working specific muscles instead of all over weight loss) wouldn't people who chewed gum have very thin jaws?
Goodnight Dear Diary.
Tuesday (6/28/05 3pm)
I'm just not feeling too hot today. I don't know what it is...just blah....
6'8" is on summer vacation and he is starting to see why some days when he would come home from school, he would find me in a pile of tears. We just got done watching Discovery Health Channel. Every afternoon they have this line-up of shows...Adoption Story, Baby Story, Wedding Story, Birth Day...it's one huge box-o-kleenex, snot-blubbering, bon-bon eating, chick fest. Yeah, I think Bob's hooked for the summer too. Mix that in with an hourly check of SportsCenter...and we're set for the day. It's just too hot to do much else....and I'm still feeling kind of...blah.
I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in quite sometime at one of the Relay for Life events this weekend. She suffered a mis-carriage over two years ago. She was telling me about this support group they have for couples who have also lost a baby and how it helped them get through some really tough times. We had originally thought about going back in February but we just couldn't bring ourselves to go. They meet once a month. I think we might go to a meeting. It can't hurt...right?
Thursday (6/23/05 2pm)
What a day we had at Geauga Lake yesterday! We had a blast at the new Wildwater Kingdom.
6'8" and I had so much fun riding the slides and the vortex thing known as Liquid Lightning.
After the excitement of having done each of them at least once...and the exhaustion of having climbed the stairs to go on each water-ride (makes you appreciate those trips to the gym with the stairclimbers), we decided to just enjoy the experience of being at an amusement park...and do nothing.
As much as we had fun on everything, we really couldn't help but focus on how different our lives would be this time next year...and how much we are looking forward to that change. I mean we're really, really looking forward to being the family pulling the wagon with kids...toting the big bag full of sunscreen, diapers, and snacks....pushing that loaded down stroller with every accessory known to Babies-R-Us.
We walked through kiddie land and looked at all of the fun rides they have.
We saw grandparents taking their grandkids on rides and we thought about how cool it would be for our own parents to be able to experience this with our little one next summer. There's something about that look of amazement on kids faces as they look around at the sights and sounds of rides and attractions and getting their pictures taken with life-size cartoon characters.
We just sat on the boardwalk watching people...families...kids...uh...oh yeah, and teenagers. We also came to the conclusion that God gives you cute babies so you really really love them for ten or so years...then they become teenagers and you still remember how much you love them...no matter how much they smart back to you in public...at amusement parks...in front of entire crowds...yeah...I felt bad for those parents but I admire their patience and discipline at handling the "I'm old enough to" blah...blah...blah speech their 12 (going on 16) year old was giving...using lots of special effects..tears, shouting, then the silent treatment with pouting...then she added the "You never let me do anything I want to do". Hmm... It was quite a sight. Thank goodness we'll have a few years to prepare for that.
Our thoughts headed back to kiddie land...and how much we can't wait to be the ones next year experiencing Geauga Lake for the first time with our little one...As many times as we've both been to Geauga Lake while growing up, something tells me that taking your own child there will be a whole new experience...and I can't wait.
Friday (6/17/05 2pm)
Ya' know how I feel right now...like a Zombie....I've made it to the end of the week but I am so tired. I just woke up from a nap and I'm still tired. I'm going to force my butt to go to the Y and get a quick workout in...then we're off to Relay for Life tonight and tomorrow.
I know...I still haven't written the "things" that I wanted to write about this week. It's just so hard. It hurts to think about and I need a good couple of hours to reach deep in my soul and let myself review some very painful times.
On a bright note, one of the couples who are in our China adoption group sent out "Soon-to-be-a-Mom" cards to everyone in our group for Mother's Day. I thought that was so sweet. But yesterday they sent 6'8" a "Soon-to-be-a-Dad" card for Father's Day and I cried for an hour. 6'8" was pretty choked up too. I can't explain it. I become overjoyed at the possibility of a child.
Being a parent is such a special thing.
This Sunday is Father's Day. We're going out to my folks to spend the day with my dad. He doesn't want anything and gave us instructions not to get him anything. He's kind of practical like that.
I remember when his dad was alive (my grandpa). Grandpa was the same way...very practical. Figuring out what to get him was always tough. One year my dad decided to do something different instead of the usual card and candy. Dad got him a few of his favorite things. Breyer's Ice Cream and Dad's Rootbeer...lot's of it. Our whole family went up to their house after church and we made Rootbeer Floats right there on the front porch. We sat around talking and drinking rootbeer floats...
It was one of those cool moments that I'll always remember...it was simple...but sometimes those moments are the best.
Tuesday (6/14/05 5pm)
I didn't get done what I had hoped. It was actually a very sad afternoon. I had a board meeting for Rotary and then I went to calling hours for Tom Holden. It was so surreal. The line was out the door and circled in through various rooms...and that was at 2pm when they started. The guy was just that well known and loved by many. As I approached the coffin a guy behind me in line said "Wow, I can't believe he won't be there in my living room anymore."
Tom was such a friend to us all, a regular guy who just loved this town. I worked with Tom for a while and, like many, I had him as a professor at YSU. He was probably the coolest professor I ever had. I've always thought it would be cool to teach a class like Tom did. He spoke from experience. You felt like he could hang out with you at Kilcawley. Once he did. That's where we held class. That's just the kind of guy Tom was. He'll be sadly missed by all who knew him, had ever met him, and loved him...even from their living rooms.
Goodbye Tom Holden. Thank you for making your mark on this town and on our hearts.
Thursday (6/9/05 1pm)
I'm on the verge tears. I ran into a friend who had just suffered a mis-carriage in the past few weeks. Talking with her brought up all of the old feelings that I've tried desperately to put behind me. She was doing all of the things that I was doing (and I am still doing) as defense mechanisms.
It was like looking in a mirror at myself.
While Bob and I are very excited about our adoption, we haven't given up on getting pregnant again. In fact, we just saw a doctor last week and are talking about what's next.
(Remember, "adopting a baby and having a baby" was our original "plan A").
None of this is intended to take the pain away from what we've lost.
I've tried to move on and at the same time, I know I'll never be the same because of it. Neither will my husband...and our families...and our friends.
I never did get around to posting some of the things that I was going to a few weeks ago. I need a good day or so to just compile it and I haven't had so much as a free day lately.
I'm going to send her a card. I remember what a comfort it was to receive e-mails and cards from so many people. It was nice to know that people care and I think it helped us heal in many ways.
My mom has always said "Never underestimate to power of a simple note or card." So true.
I guess I've felt like I'm on an airplane and the oxygen masks have dropped down from the ceiling and they tell you to put yours on first, then assist the person next to you.
For the past few months it's been all I can do to put on my own mask and breath and to be there for Bob...and have him here for me. I don't think we could have helped someone else. Maybe now is the time....time for 6'8" and I to go and help other passengers on this airplane ride known as life.
Also, this is a wake-up call to me to get those thoughts posted here.
Painful to think about?...yes...Painful to look back?...yes....Therapeutic?...definitely...
and I hope it will help someone else who is suffering or knows someone who is suffering.
Okay...time to put a deadline on this. 6'8" has a teacher seminar next Tuesday...so...by Tuesday afternoon I will do it. I promise.
Monday (6/6/05 4pm)
Wow...what a weekend! We had Jesse McCartney tix to give away at Dunkin' Donuts on Friday night, the big Destiny's Child party on Saturday night, and we were on TV-21 with the Tod Childrens Hospital Telethon all day yesterday. Needless to say, my butt is draggin'. I just woke up from a two hour nappy and I'm still tired. I feel like two year old who wakes up from a nap and is still cranky.
I think what I'm most cranky about is the fact that I pulled out my summer clothes this weekend and I'm pi**ed at myself. Things aren't fitting as well as they should. Oh sure...I could go buy new shorts (read into this as...a bigger size) but I won't let myself do that. I'm determined to fit into the ones that I bought last summer. It's time for my "fitting room" diet.
What? You've never heard of this? It's simple.
I make myself go to the fitting room and try on bathing suits.
I must go out to the three way mirror and take a good look at myself in each and every bathing suit. Usually, by the third bathing suit, I'm disgusted enough and motivated enough to drive directly to the closest Weight Watchers support group and throw myself at their mercy.
It works every time.
Here's to 1,200 calories a day for the next....uhm....day or so.
Tuesday (5/31/05 9pm)
I never got to tell you about the "field trip" last week. So 6'8" and a few other classes at his school went out to Noah's Lost Ark Animal Park in Berlin Center. What a great thing they are doing out there...and they operate on donations. I really admire people who give up their lives for causes they believe in the way these folks have done for abused exotic animals.
After that we went to the park where there were several other classes from other schools were also on field trips. It was a flash back from my formative years as I watched the kids play. I found this little girl under the play area and she was crying. I didn't know if she was one of "ours" or not but I saw a child who needed an adults help. She was crying and told me she had had an "accident".
I felt so bad for her. She was worried her teacher would yell at her. After several minutes of convincing her that her teacher wouldn't yell at her I finally talked her into coming out from under the play area and helped her find her teacher...who immediately yelled at her.
Gosh I felt so bad. I wanted to smack the teacher. I have no idea what school they were from but I guarantee you I won't be sending my child to that school.
I flashed back to a similar situation when I was in first grade. I had to "go pee" really bad. I walked up to the teacher several times and each time she told me to sit down. I raised my hand. She told me to sit quietly. Finally....remember...I was only 6.....yep...an "accident". About 10 minutes later the teacher asked what I wanted. I told her I had to go to the bathroom. She said I may go. I then informed her that I already did....and I started to cry.
Hey....what's a 6 year old to do? And what's with teachers yelling about that?
I mean...hey...you're 6. I do remember being so embarrassed and I had to stay that way for the rest of the day. I really related to this little girl on the playground. I also made a note to myself...one of those "I won't do this when I'm a parent" type memos....no yelling over "accidents" and I will have a long talk with her teacher ahead of time. First grade is traumatic enough.
Goodnight Dear Diary.
Monday (5/30/05 5am)
How cool was this...over the weekend 6'8" and I went to a seminar for families who "have" or are "going to" adopt from China. We were in a room with about 200 people and dozens of little girls (10 months to 10 years old) who were adopted from the many provinces of China over the past few years. It was a bit overwhelming at first and as excited as I was I got really weepy for about an hour. I guess I just kept thinking "when"....when will we get our little girl from China? It seems so far away sometimes.....It did give us a chance to talk with other families and hear their stories, meet their little girls, and ask lots of questions.
We did get to see our "adoption profile" on the wall of "waiting" adoptive parents. Goofy as it sounds...we took a picture of it! It was just so cool to see our application for adoption up there on the "waiting" list.
The rest of our weekend was spent doing a few more "home improvement" jobs. I wore my old "painting/work" clothes with my hair in a ponytail. Not exactly seductive if ya' know what I mean....It's going to rain today and all the stores are having huge sales. Maybe I'll go buy something...well...."easy to slip out of". It's time to put a little romance back in our weekend.
That's all for now Dear Diary.
Tuesday (5/24/05 11:30am)
Good news! I called my mom and dad and they are fine so I don't think it was my cooking that made 6'8" sick.
Phewww.....that was close. Actually, he said he's feeling better today.
He thinks it was the Mr. Hero Philly Cheesesteak with onions, mushrooms, and extra cheese sandwich that he ate Saturday night that made him sick. I'm just glad that he's feeling better.
Can I just say that I love Oprah?! She had the two "What NOT to Wear" girls on last week. Funny stuff. I think I'm not wearing the right size bra. Not that it's a problem or anyone would notice. I could still get away with training bra's if I had too. In fact, my girls have been in "training" so long they should retire with full military benefits...but that's a whole other story.
I also picked up that French Women diet book she had on. I haven't finished reading it yet.
I do that sometimes. I get a book that I just HAVE to have...then I lose interest.
I did read the part about how French women only eat three bites of everything...desserts included.
AND the part about how you can have three glasses of wine per day!
Cool...sign me up for this diet. Au Revoir Dear Diary.
Monday (5/23/05 5am)
I don't joke about not cooking...I don't joke about the time my dad went to the emergency room AFTER having eaten at my house. Now my poor husband is sick and I think I'm responsible.
We were hanging out with my mom and dad over the weekend. My poor mom hurt her leg and it was all swollen so I made her stay on the couch with ice on it.
That meant I was left to do the cooking as 6'8" and my dad were working on a project...
Yeah, it's kind of cool to see the two men in your life working together on a project. My dad is handy and knows how to do just about everything. Bob is so cute as his assistant, although I wonder if he knew when he married me that it would involve a few do-it-yourself projects with the family.
He's a great sport and says he's actually learned a few things.
Anyhow...I had to do the cooking. By Sunday afternoon 6'8" said he wasn't feeling very well. By the time we were back at our place he was hugging the porcelain. Now he's so sick he can't go to school today. Yep, I bet it was my cooking.
I feel horrible. Someone will think I'm like Bree on Desperate Housewives where Rex ended up in the hospital. Holy Sch-nikes! No, not Bree!
Poor guy...I should call my folks to see if they're okay. I ate the same stuff and I didn't get sick.
I better get a jump start on the day. Who knows...the health department may be calling me later today.
Sunday (5/22/05 10pm)
A friend of 6'8"s gave us an audio course on how to speak Chinese. Cool, right?
On Saturday I had a remote near Akron so we decided to use the time to practice our Chinese on the drive there. Here's what we've learned. I will use the phonetic version...since these are audio tapes and I have no idea how to spell the words we are trying to pronounce.
Boo-Hoy-Show New boo chew....un lin....knee boo chew. Doo see bo chii swa.
I believe I've just asked if you speak Mandarin. You asked if I speak English. And I asked if I could ask you a question....I think.
After two hours of practicing these words in the privacy of our vehicle we just looked at each other and started laughing because we realized we still have no idea how to speak Chinese. We did decide that simply looking at someone with a bewildered look on our faces when we're in China will take care of lessons 1, 2, and 3.
Wow...these Chinese language lessons are going by fast.
Goodnight Dear Diary.
Tuesday (5/17/05 12 noon)
I am soooo tired. We had our HOT-101 AC & Kelly Relay for Life Golf Outing yesterday. It was a blast. It was cold...but it was a blast. Every muscle in my body aches and I'm exhausted.
I need to get a goooood nappy.
I know I must seem like bit of a procrastinator but honestly sometimes there aren't enough hours in the day to get all that I need to get done..done.
One of the things I want to write about is some thoughts I've had about our mis-carriage.
It's so hard to write about because...well...it hurts so deeply.
It hurts to talk about. It hurts to think about. It just plain hurts.
A couple of the tv stations have contacted me about doing a story about what we've been through with fertility and adoption. I haven't called any of them back yet. AC says I should do it so I can help other people who may be suffering through the same thing. I don't know...It's such a personal thing. I wouldn't know what to say...how to begin. I'm just not sure I could make it through an interview without totally losing it. Maybe I'm just a big chicken.
I think I need to write about it here first. Someone once told me that mis-carriage is like a secret society of women. You suffer silently because you have to put it behind you just to keep your sanity and continue on with life.
No one ever talks about it until it happens to you and then women (and men) will pull you aside and say "We suffered a mis-carriage too" and all of the sudden you realize that they know exactly what you're feeling. You're bonded with these people who you never knew were grieving all of these years with their own personal stories.
I wouldn't wish any of this on anyone else...ever.
I do have some thoughts that I've been saving on my computer for the past four months that I've been wanting to share...if only to help someone else who may be going or already went through the same thing. Maybe they'll be of help to someone who has a friend going through this. Anyhow, I want to share them. Maybe by sharing them with others I'll be able to heal my heart so I can see it all more clearly myself.
Goodnight Dear Diary.
Monday (5/16/05 5am)
Lots of e-mails and calls about our hottest mom contest. Her name is Bella and she's gorgeous. She has flawless skin. AND she's the mom of three kids! So I had to ask her..."What brand of foundation do you use?" She said it's called Sasha Cosmetics and she gets them on-line. She said they even have a free gift with purchase. Maybe this makes me seem cheap but I LOVE the free gift with purchase. I mean, if I'm going to pay $19.95 for a tube of mascara...you better believe I want the free mini-moisturizer, lipstick, and cosmetic bag to come with it.
That's all for now dear diary.
Thursday (05/12/05 1pm)
I just witnessed something unusual...not that there's anything wrong with it....
I was just shocked, that's all.
So I had a few extra minutes this afternoon so I stopped by a store to look for a pair of shoes. I'm in the shoe dept and I notice this man in the same aisle. He was looking around and I figured he was looking for his wife.
Wrong.... Yep, he was shopping for shoes too. He had on baggy sweats and had a half grown beard...he looked very manly...UNTIL...he slipped his foot out of his shoe to try on a pair of stilletto's. His feet were perfectly manicured. He lifted his pant leg half way up his leg and was looking for the angled mirror to get a better look. It really was kind of funny as he was walking with one high-heeled shoe on.
I wasn't sure if I should do the chick thing that all women do for each other in the shoe department...ya' know.."Oh those are cute! Do they have another pair left in my size?" It just didn't seem appropriate.
I could have said something like "Oh, I had a pair of those. They're hard to wear for more than an hour."
No...I decided to just keep looking straight ahead although, by this time, other women were starting to notice the "man in the stilettos" in the ladies shoe department. I chose to just continue shopping as if nothing was different.
I couldn't help but notice that he shaves his legs too. Quite frankly, he had nice calves.
I think I was a bit jealous.
I do remember a friend of mine who worked at a certain "lingerie store" telling me that they had men who would ask to use the dressing rooms to try on lingerie and they "by law" have to let them. Hmmm. That's all Diary. Not something that happens to me everyday...I was just a little surprised. And not that there's anything wrong with it....
Wednesday (5/11/05 9pm)
I have been so miserable with allergies these past few days. 6'8" and I belong on one of those allergy medicine commercials
He's a dust, mold, pet. He likes to be outside.
I'm a grass, tree, pollen. During the pollen season, I'd rather be inside.
"Want to go for a walk outside?" he asks. I sneeze 4 times in a row as I try to answer him.
Anyhow....Diary, there's a few things I need to tell you about. It's one of those topics that have been on my to-do list for the diary for a few months. (You know...the to-do list that was in my dayplanner and I said I would accomplish everything on the list by the end of last week....uh, I'm still working on it but making progress :) I figure if I write that "I'm going to tell you about it" I will HAVE to write about it. I will post it by the weekend. There...how's that for making a commitment?
Goodnight Dear Diary.
Monday (5/09/05 4pm)
I still laugh when I get that vision from last weekend...my very tall husband...driving down a street with my dayplanner on top of the vehicle.
I envision something out of the Flintstones...the Yabba-Dabba-Doo Mobile. Now that's funny. I'm still so relieved it had a happy ending.
So I had many errands today. Can I just say that I HATE hardware stores? I feel so intimidated! The workers are so nice but they look at me like I'm supposed to know exactly what they're talking about.
Oh, don't get me wrong. I nod...and look like I understand what they're saying from watching Extreme Home Makeover and Discovery Home Channel...but in reality, I'm thinking "Couldn't you just come to my house and do this rather than waste time explaining it to me?"
Anyhow, tonight some friends are coming over to do one of those "do-it-yourselves" projects. Why do they call it "do-it-yourselves"? In reality...it's a "do-it-with-as-many-people-who-know-how-to-do-it-and-owe-you-favors" project.
All of this to finally finish the wood trim in our bathroom from the flood two years ago.
Yep...it was one of those "we just never got around to replacing it" things. This should be interesting.
Wednesday (5/04/05 2pm)
Here's my prayer for today......
Last week when we went to visit Steve & Sharon, the couple who adopted a baby from China, she told us how she used to pray for her baby while she was waiting to hear from the Chinese government. Afterall, I never realized it but our baby is probably already born and living in an orphanage. They're usually 8-10 months old when you get them and we should be traveling in less than 6 months. Sharon said that she would pray that her baby would have a full bottle each night before she would go to bed. That thought just gives me chills.
So my prayer for today is: Please let our baby girl have a full bottle tonight. Please let the workers care for her so that she doesn't cry herself to sleep. Please make sure her little arms and legs are covered by a blanket at night. And please let someone in that orphanage have a few extra minutes to spend with her so she'll know that she's wanted.
And maybe today is the day that she'll give her first smile.
Goodnight Dear Diary.
Monday (5/02/05 12:30pm)
Just got home from work. Mondays shouldn't be this tough. Then again...neither should Sundays. Yes, I had the most disasterous Sunday ever.
Saturday night AC & I dj'd a prom in Canton...about an hour and 20 minutes away. 6'8" went with me to unload the equipment and help me set up. Rather than have him stick around for the prom I told him to go to the sports bar at the Marriott so he could to watch the game. We had a great time at the prom. The kids were awesome. By the time we got packed up and drove home it was 1am and we decided to unload the car in the morning.
Fast forward to Sunday morning...8:30am.
We're sitting in the living room...Bob says "So what do we have going on today?" I reach for my dayplanner. What? Where is it? No dayplanner! Argghhhhh.........
I realized the last time I saw my dayplanner was when were unloading the car at 6:30 pm on Saturday. I'm in full blown panic and take the world's fastest shower. 6'8" of course realizes that my life is in that dayplanner and we both jump back in the car and head to Canton. I tried calling the place...no answer. Finally we get there. We search the banquet hall, the parking lot, the street. Nothing! We retrace 6'8"s drive to the sports bar at the Marriott, we check the parking deck. No dayplanner/no legal note-pad/to-do list. We leave our number at several places. We even went to the police station. They were quite amused with my story and I was relieved to know that I'm not the first person to do such a thing. They ask if my name and address is in it. Uhh, no...but it contains the names and addresses of everyone I know. Just great....They take my number in case.
It's now 1pm and we're both exhausted, having driven and walked the streets of Canton several times looking for this dayplanner. We start the drive home. I was absolutely sick. Bob really tried to cheer me up. He said "Hey, maybe there's a message in all of this. Afterall, it's only a dayplanner not a person." He's right...It was the perspective I needed...even though I was still sick to my stomach over the thought of having to re-create the next 8 months of appearances, remotes, relays, doctors appointments and such.
What if I didn't have my to do list? Think of the free time I'd have. ha......I made a vow that if I did find it...I would be less attached...I would complete all of the things on my to do list by the end of the week and stop procrastinating/re-writing the same things on the list each week.
So we get home... I decided to check e-mail. What!!!! Yes!!!! and e-mail from someone who found a black dayplanner in the middle of the street the night before! They left their name but no number. Thank goodness for directory assistance and mapquest. There were two people with this last name so I left messages for both of them. Finally, by 4pm, one of them called back. Yes!!! The lady said that she and her husband had my dayplanner. They had found it in the middle of the street while on their way to dinner the night before. They found an e-mail addressed to me inside the dayplanner and that's how they got ahold of me. What a relief!
Bob had to go to a dinner meeting so I got back in my car and, for the 3rd time in 24 hours, drove back over to Canton to pick up my beloved dayplanner. The lady was so incredibly nice and I told her how much I really appreciated her Good Samaritan efforts. I tried to offer her a reward but she refused. I tried to be insistent...just something for her and her husband to thank them for their trouble. She wouldn't hear of it. She told me she was pretty sure I'd need to get some gas in my vehicle. She was so nice. By this time I had tears in my eyes so I gave her a hug and thanked her again. I'm still going to do something nice for her and her husband. Maybe I'll send a thank you note with a dinner gift certificate.
So...I leave there..it's now sprinkling/raining and I started to reflect back on my day and how many wonderful people I had run into because of losing my dayplanner. I stopped back to the hotel, the police station, and the banquet hall and thanked all of them for their help and let them know there was a happy ending. I was reunited with my dayplanner....
I sent up a prayer to the universe to thank God for helping me too. I gained a new perspective, met some wonderful people, and learned a valuable lesson.
I headed back East on Rt. 62 and didn't God decide to show me the prettiest rainbow I have ever seen. And I realized that some of the best moments in life are not scheduled in my dayplanner.
Goodnight Dear Diary.
Thursday (4/28/05 9pm)
Last night we went to the home of a couple we met who has adopted from China. Sharon & Steve's little girl (Li-Li) is 18 months and they've had her for about 9 months. It was so neat to watch her. She's the cutest little thing I've ever seen. What was really cool was that her parents were great about answering so many of our questions. They let us ask anything...which I took full advantage of....as my mind is filled with many questions.
I mean, what happens when you go to pick up your child? Do you instantly have parental instincts? Do they hand you this child and your instantly filled with all of the knowledge of Dr. Spock?
My inquiring mind wants to know...
I can picture it now (fast forward 6 months)....We're in China, they hand us our baby and we head to our hotel room filled with cute pink outfits and lots of clean diapers. After several minutes of cute coo-ing she starts to fuss. I try to comfort her. Now it's full blown, red-faced, crocodile tear crying. My heart races. I offer a Pepsi, a diet Pepsi, crackers. What? What can I get you? What? What is is it girl?...I ask as if I'm talking to Lassie. Does she want a bottle? Does she want fries with that? How do instantly know what your child wants? How do you now when to call a doctor and when you're just being a neurotic, over-worried parent?
Do parents who deliver in a hospital get some special training class they have to pass before their allowed to leave the hospital with their child? Will I instantly know how to put a diaper on or will I go through a box or two before I get the hang of it? Do babies know the difference between brand name and generic?
As nice as they were to let us visit their home, I'm sure Steve and Sharon are still doubled over in laughter.
Goodnight Dear Diary.
Tuesday (4/26/05 12 noon)
I've been good...I mean really, really good with my diet and exercise...but today...as I was near the check-out...at 11:30am...when I should have been home eating a nice healthy salad...I bought a piece of chocolate at the store. Dang it! I hate it when I do that. I talked myself into it too, but I've convinced my brain that it really wasn't my fault...Here's my rationale...if the lines hadn't been so long...and I didn't have to stand there next to the candy aisle for 15 minutes...I'd have been fine.
I think 12 minutes must be my willpower limit because I stood there looking at it in my cart for about another 3 minutes knowing full well that I should put it back...but nooooo. Did I listen to the good angel or the bad angel on my shoulder? I listened to the hungry one...the one that loves chocolate. Arghhhh.....It's okay...I'm trying to be fine with it....I will count it in my days total calories...AND I will go to the Y to work out.
Now that I'm home...I'm still hungry. Somehow a salad just doesn't appeal to me as I can still taste the chocolate. What's a girl to do?
It's days like today that I get really down. I'm at the store and I see all these moms with kids and I think....When? When will it be us? When can I stroll through the store with a child in the shopping cart seat..all buckled in and looking cute as a button......
Our adoption papers are in China....and now we wait. We haven't given up on fertility doctors or mother nature...but every month when the "I'm-not-pregnant-again-this-month-fairy" arrives, it's just more tears and crushed dreams.
Tonight should be a good night because we're going to a support group for families adopting from China. Ironically, tonights seminar is "The Waiting Time...What to do while you wait to hear from China?"
Cool....I need some advice in this department. I feel helpless, anxious, and worried. Some of my thoughts:
What if the government has some political delay with foreign adoptions? What if the Asian bird flu causes adoptions to be put on hold? What if we get pregnant in the meantime? What if this clotting disorder causes some other complications? What if the clotting injections aren't covered by insurance? What if I can't travel to China to get our little girl? What if....blah!
And to think I was worried about eating a small piece of chocolate....
I need a nap Dear Diary.
Monday (4/25/05 12 noon)
I had a simple task today. I needed to get some thermal styling spray and a bottle of shampoo. So I go to the store to get two simple items. I hate getting the same brand of shampoo because I always feel like I'm missing out on some new revolutionary hair product that just came out and the rest of the world knows about it and if I knew about it then my hair would look just like Eva Longoria's.
Anyhow, what should be a simple 10 minute errand turns into and hour and a half. There are so many brands...and such large bottles. I'm talking giant VATS of shampooo. I don't like to be that committed to anything. I get bored using the same shampoo. Somedays I like a shampoo with more moisture, somedays I want extra-body, someday's I want a clarifying shampoo.
Then there were the little bottles that run $29.95....Now my irrational side thinks...."Ahhh, they must be better because they're so expensive...it's beauty in a bottle!" My rational side says.."I could get this extra jumbo (but still a brand name) one with the free conditoner for half that." I ask the clerk thinking she may know the latest technology for fine straight hair...but then I'm not convinced. She has thick curly hair and doesn't look like she's ever known what a bad hair day is. I read more labels...I get more confused. Finally, after much rationalization, I head to the checkout with my two items and the clerk informs me that if I buy one more item I get one free. ARGHHH...I hate that.
I only want these items. Then they add that line about "well it's like getting two more items at half price."
I think....well, yeah....but I don't really need it....but it is half price. So I ask "Do you take take charge cards?"
And that's how my simple shampoo buying trip went. I sure hope my hair looks better tomorrow because of it.
Wednesday (4/20/05 9pm)
Today I went to the Y to workout. Yeah..me! I was all proud of myself...UNTIL....the little size 2...okay...maybe she was a 4 at the most...jumped on the treadmill next to me. So there I am...sweatin' up a storm as I was doing 3.8 mph, with incline I might add...until she starts the 100 yard dash. Now, not only does my butt look extra big next to hers, but she's got the nerve to start training for the New York Marathon. Meanwhile, I look like an over-sized tortoise in comparison. Ugghh!
So much for being all proud of myself.
Dear Diary, would it be wrong if next time I go to the "Y" I unplug the treadmills on each side of the one I'm on? Hmmmm....
What if I just stuck a "Temporarily Out of Order" sign on them?
Goodnight Dear Diary.
Monday (4/18/05 1pm)
Just got home from reading to a group of 1st graders. What a cute age!
I'm waiting....waiting for my mom and dad to knock on my door. They're on their way home after spending the winter in Florida. They came home in December after my uncle passed away and they went back the end of December. I haven't seen them since before we had the miscarriage so the last time they saw me I was still pregnant.
I have missed them so much. It's been such an emotional couple of months. I wanted so much to tell them I wanted them back home but I would have felt so selfish.
I felt like a little girl crying "I want my mommy"....but just like my first day of school in first grade, I sucked it up...and never let them see me cry...too much.
The anticipation of that knock on the door is killing me...in a good way.
Plus, the house is clean. It's a great day.
Thursday (4/14/05 1pm)
Yippeee skipppeeeee! We got our taxes done! I feel like I'm back in college and I just turned in a term paper. What a feeling! What a relief! We have to pay (state) but we also get some back (federal)...mostly because of medical bills from last year. I didn't know they were deductible...I guess they are when you have as many as we did. Woo-hoo!
It's a good thing because the adoption agency called and they want our second round of papers and checks sent. This is really starting to move along. I'm Fed-Ex'ing the stuff today. Bob and I are laughing cause we're doing one of those "the checks and deposits will cross each other in the mail" things...Basically, we're writing a check for money we don't have hoping that by the time it clears the bank the money will be there. It's like the Seinfeld episode where they try to run the car out of gas on purpose...what a rush!
And that's our excitement for today. I'm off to Fed-Ex.
Monday (4/11/05 9pm)
What a weekend! I'm absolutely exhausted. And NO...We don't have our tax stuff together yet. Yikes. Our appointment with the accountant is tomorrow.
I have to tell you.....I had the greatest time at that womens seminar on Saturday. I can't even explain it. It was really emotional for me but it was so neat to talk with other women. We all have our struggles....and we're not alone, even though it may feel that way sometimes. If we could just put down our walls sometimes...I think we'd find that we are all each others soul sisters.
Also, there was a speaker who gave a talk on listening to your inner voice. I can't explain it, but I was supposed to be there to hear what she had to say...so I thank the "universe" for that opportunity. Goodnight Dear Diary.
Friday (4/08/05 2pm)
A bunch of e-mails are asking for the number to make reservations for tomorrow so here goes...
Call Elisa Lopez at (330) 759-1717. It's at the Ursuline Center on Shields Rd. in Boardman. See you there!
Friday (4/08/05 4am)
This morning is the calm before the storm. A busy weekend on tap. I'm actually really excited about tomorrow. It starts with an all-day seminar called "Just For Women" at the Ursuline Center on Shields Rd. Everybody's invited...although it's going to be mostly women. I think it's like 20 bucks at the door but there's so much included. It's a fundraiser for Relay for Life and it is something that I really need...a bunch of women bonding while checking out manicures, massages, interior decorating, jewelery, and fashion/make-up tips...ya' know girl stuff. Anyhow, I'm looking forward to some cool "chick bonding". I've been so shut down lately with everybody...it's been hard to deal with all of my "maternal feelings" and I think a big network of sisters could really help.
Anyhow...it goes all day so I'll be there throughout. Then tomorrow night I get to be the emcee for the Relay's Bid for Bachelors and Bachelorettes at the Salem Little Quakers Hall. That's always a fun night...plus lots of prizes, gift baskets, etc. Then I head to Jillians for the Cherry Monroe video taping.
On Sunday, 6'8" and I have to get our tax stuff together. I'm thinking some chinese take-out and a bottle of wine will at least make that process a little easier.
I should probably take a nap later just to rest up. Well, gotta get to work.
Wednesday (4/6/05 4pm)
Well...good news. The agency said we did it all right! Finally! We'll they didn't exactly say it like that but that's how we interpreted it. We do have to get a second set of passports photos done (apparently you have to have two ID pictures). Who knew? Anyhow, we have six weeks to get that done. Our papers were sent to Beijing on Monday afternoon. Phew!
It was Monday night and 6'8" and I were watching the NCAA tournament. We realized we were once again in the Redneck Hall of Fame. Remember how I said we had our carpets cleaned a week and a half ago? Well, our furniture was still up on blocks! Yep, we were so busy last week we never took the furniture off those little foam blocks they use to let your furniture dry underneath. We're red-necks...first the Christmas lights...now the furniture on blocks.
Uhh...ohhh.....I just had a panic moment. We had to send pictures of our home to China in our dossier. When did we take those pictures? Yep....some Chinese official will be looking at the pictures of our living room, dining room and baby's room and realize that they are about to adopt a child to a family whose furniture is up on little yellow foam blocks. I hope they at least notice that our carpets are clean.
Oh my gosh....this is so...not funny....So why am I laughing?....Maybe they'll think it's a new trend in home decorating in the US and it will sweep all of Asia...furniture up on foam blocks. Nice.
Goodnight Dear Diary.
Saturday (4/2/05 9pm)
Wow...what a week. We've put over 1,400 miles on our vehicles this week alone. We've been to the accountant, the police station, the adoption support group in Pittsburgh, the courthouse, the notary, the attorney, the Secretary of State in Columbus, the photo lab (you have to send pictures of yourselves...your house, inside and out...and your baby's room), the bank for a hefty down payment, and finally our "dossier" went to adoption agency in Cleveland. Finished!!!
At least until they call us on Monday and tell us some form wasn't done correctly and needs re-done....I may get violent if that happens.
Through it all we've kept our sense of humor. At one point, as we were passing through security leaving the courthouse and racing to get to the notary before 5pm, 6'8" said it felt like we were in the "Amazing Race"....ya' gotta love him. And I do...very much.
Goodnight Dear Diary.
Wednesday (3/30/05 5pm)
6'8" and I have officially made it into the Red-Neck Hall of Fame. It was a gorgeous day today and the perfect opportunity to take down our Christmas lights. Yes...I said our Christmas lights.
We were so proud of ourselves for actually putting them up this year. Do we get credit for that? Needless to say, January was not our favorite month this year since that was when we lost the baby and we had lost my uncle right before Christmas. It was a month of tears and grief and taking down Christmas lights wasn't high on our list of things to do. I think we fall under the umbrella of "excusable indifference" ...we just didn't care. But, the lights and pine roping are now down and hopefully daffodils will soon take their place .
On the other hand....I have China news! Are you ready?...here goes...
Our 171H arrived in the mail! I know what you're thinking. What's a 171H???? I had no idea either.
So...let me explain what a crazy week this has been and why I haven't written more sooner. Monday we call our agency and tell them the good news. Then they proceed to tell us that some of our paperwork has expired. Yeah...you can imagine our reaction!
"What! and why couldn't you have told us this while we've been waiting the past two months!?"
It was fine in February...don't ya' think they could have warned us? Arghhh....
Anyow, 6'8" and I have been scrambling all week to get stuff re-done. It's a pain in the @$$ but I keep telling myself it will all be worth it.
Tuesday we went to a support group meeting for families who have already and/or are about to adopt from China. It was so neat to see all of these little girls (11 months to 5 years old). It was the boost we needed to help us get through this frustration. One couple had just returned last week with their little girl. We saw them there last month and they were just about ready to leave and were so nervous about what to do. Now, here they were...looking like they'd been parents forever. So cool......I think in the back of our heads we still wonder if we'll know what to do when it's our turn. Nice to know that it just happens...instincts kick in.
So...tomorrow we pick up the final documents we need and then we need to get them notarized in our county by an attorney. Then Friday (after I'm off the air...we're in a ratings book and there's no vacation days allowed or believe me, I would take one) we drive them to Columbus and get them notarized at the state level.
Then, if we get out of Columbus in time, we drive them to our agency in Cleveland where they will be reviewed one final time.
Then (hopefully by Monday or Tuesday at the latest), they are express shipped to the consulate in Beijing where they will decide if we are worthy to be parents...well something like that.
The China process can take up to 6 months...and we think our government is slow. They match you up with a baby from an orphanage or one that's in foster care. China has a one-child policy and there are many people who give up their little girls. It's a Chinese tradition to honor the boys. In that culture a son is treasured because they believe a son will take care of the parents when they get older. It's very rare to adopt a boy from China. The girls are kept in the country for the first 6 months. After that they can be adopted by people outside of China. They don't actually enter the adoption system until 6 months. It takes about 4 months to complete all of the paperwork so they are about 10-11 months old when you adopt them. I can't wait.
Hmmmmm. I'm exhausted just thinking about the next few days.
I'm pretty sure at that point it's in the hands of God and he and I have already had many talk about this matter. If you could all put in a few kind words for me I'd really appreciate it.
Goodnight Dear Diary.
Sunday (3/27/05 8pm)
Can I just say that little girls in white tights with white Easter shoes are just about the cutest little things I have ever seen! There were about four of them in the row in front of us in church today. It made me think back to how my mom would always dress my sister and I alike. At the time, we hated it. Now I look at it and I think "How adorable!"
That's one of those things that I'm adding to my "to do" list of being a mom.
6'8" and I are typical "not yet parents" because we're starting a list of things we will and won't do as parents. I think it's helping us fill the down time.
Besides, who really sticks to those lists. Once the kids arrive I've heard that all rules fall out the window.
Here's one thing I won't do....
So I'm at the store yesterday. This lady starts screaming at her kids right there in the middle of the store. I mean really screaming.
No...I didn't go ever and say anything to her but don't think I didn't want to. I had the conversation all worked out in my mind but I kept my big mouth shut. It was probably for the best.
Besides, I'm sure my sister and I got our mom to that boiling point more than a few times. They say whatever you did to your parents you'll get back with your own kids. Ha.
Thinking back, I can't wait to see what kind of karma I'll be dealt.
Goodnight dear diary.
Friday (3/25/05 10pm)
What a great feeling....we got our carpets cleaned today. The house is not only clean...but really clean. I called Stanley Steamer to see how much we needed to have moved for the carpet cleaners. The nice lady said they do it all and that we should just pick up the little stuff....little stuff...ha...that's half of our house! Well, it was a good thing. I became a woman on a mission. I couldn't possibly let anyone see our "real dust" so I felt the need to pre-clean....right down to the baseboards, light switches, doors, door frames, under the frig, under the stove...if it was upstairs...we cleaned it. It was great therapy and the house feels incredible. The carpets look great. Because the carpets needed to dry and we were out of time, we moved to the basement for the weekend (or as Bob likes to call it...the south wing of our home). The upstairs is so clean...so pure. 6'8" said we should keep it like that for at least a few days. I agree. I love this feeling. We realize that since we can't use the "the kids messed the house up" excuse, we'll know it was us so we're trying to stay away from the upstairs...other than to admire the pristine carpets...not a wine or food stain on 'em...not yet.
Goodnight Dear Diary,
Friday (3/25/05 4am-Good Friday)
It’s holidays like this that I guess we realize how much we’re missing by not having kids. Kids are why holidays exist.
When Bob was sick a few weeks ago I started thinking about my own childhood. I thought about all of the little things that my mom would do when we were sick....tv trays with tea and toast, her special homemade chicken and rice soup...she'd even put a little flower on the tray to make it look like room service. I found myself doing the same type of things for Bob...okay, not the homemade stuff...but I improvised. My mom would bring us “ice cream” sandwiches. I'm guessing we couldn't really afford all of the special treats from the store so she would "make-do". They were actually two graham crackers with "jumbo treat" brand vanilla ice cream smashed in the center. She’d cut the toast in fun shapes and always left the crust on because she said it would make our hair curly. Having poker straight hair, I ate them every time in hopes of getting natural curls like the girl on the Lilt Home perm box. Yeah, that was an Easter ritual…a home perm. (I was always glad we had the week off for Easter break so the perm could "relax" a little bit before I had to go back to school.)
My mom made holidays so much fun. She’d write clues that rhymed about where we’d find our Easter baskets. She’s play the "you’re getting warm, hot or cold" game as we searched the house.
Will I be such a mom? I'll probably be buying pre-made baskets at Wal-mart, cookies at the bakery and pre-colored eggs that you decorate with pre-stuck glitter sheets. I'm sure that my lack of mother-of-the-year like qualities isn't why God hasn't blessed us with children yet. I hope God knows that what 6'8" and I lack in domestic skills, we’ll make up for with love...and a few trips to Wal-mart.
So long for now Dear Diary,
Wednesday (3/23/05 11am)
If one more person asks me if I'm pregnant, I'm going to scream!!
No...much to my dismay, I'm not pregnant.
There's a new graphic on our website that says "Coming soon...our newest listener"....It's a new promotion for "new parents".
I guess people saw that and thought that it was about us and that I was making some major announcement. I'm not. But I do appreciate everyones excitement. Believe me. I would blab it from the top of our Cumulus Broadcast tower if it was happening.
But for now...nothing...It did make me think about how to talk about it if and when it does happen again. We would of course tell parents and family....but how long should we wait? Is there ever a safe zone? I can't imagine having good news like that and being able to keep it bottled up. I think one look at our faces would give it away...oh well...not that I'm worrying about that today...
In fact, I was elated earlier today! I got a call from our congressman's office. They found out what the delay was with our adoption paper work. He said we should get clearance from INS this week. Yipppeeee!.
Of course, we still have a 6-7 month wait...but at least the adoption is underway.
Goodnight Dear Diary,
Saturday (3/19/05 4pm)
We're supposed to be in Columbus right now for the high school basketball state tournaments. We go every year. We were going to go down for a shortened trip this year (just one night Sat/Sun) but by the time I got home last night, Bob and I both looked at each other thought about getting up at 5am this morning and said "let's skip it". We were both exhausted and not feeling well.
This has been going on for 5 weeks with us. He gets better, I get sick, I get better, he gets sick. We need the doctor to put us both on antibiotics at the same time. 6'8" is a teacher and getting sick is just part of the job. I've been to a few schools this week. That plus a lack of sleep does it to me everytime. So we've been snuggled in bed all morning armed with Dayquil, Nyquil, tissues, soup, orange juice, and plenty of water. How romantic...did I mention I'm in sweatpants and a turtleneck, my hair's in a pony tail, and I'm wearing three pairs of socks cause I'm freezing. Bob's wearing undies with holes in them, a wrinkled t-shirt, unshaved....we're an absolute vision of young love. Yeah, I dare them to post a picture like this in one of those bridal magazines with the caption "Where will you be in 5 years after your honeymoon?" LOL.
Bob's been watching the NCAA tournaments. He's so funny. He's watching the tv with remote in his hand and then he just dozes off. Then the remote falls out of his hand and he wakes up. It cracks me up everytime. ;)
I went to one of my favorite schools this week. They had us out to read to the kids (K-2). I sat there and just looked at their little faces. The kids just amaze me. I thought. Wow...just 5 or 6 short years ago their parents were looking at them as tiny little babies...and here they are...little people. I looked at them and wondered what our children would look like. Which ones would they be? Shy? Quiet? Probably not. Silly? Curious?....maybe. Tall? Maybe, maybe not. I couldn't help but stare at each and every face and just realize how incredible the whole process of raising children is....whether biological or adopted. Kids are just such cool little beings.
Big contrast...last night we dj'd a teen dance for a middle school...teenagers...6-8th graders....some short, some tall, some heavy, some thin, some preppy, some shy, some outgoing, some trying to be alternative/goth, some athletic, and some just didn't know where they fit in. And I asked myself which one would have been me in junior high?
Let me just say that I'm not real anxious to re-live those years any time soon. I prefer to keep those memories of gym class, bad hair styles, training bra's, and going to the store to buy feminine hygiene products (only to see the hot guy in your class walk in while you were at the cash register waiting for a price check) buried deep in my mind.
It was really cool to just look at this group and think which ones will....work at a bank, be a DJ, be a nuclear physicist, be a mom or dad, find their soulmate, go to college, finish high school, be the next American Idol, etc? They're all on the cusp of discovering who they are and what they want to be. And with each day they get new confidence to do things they didn't know they could do. Kind of cool to think of it like that.
Goodnight Dear Dairy. I feel a nap coming on and I don't want 6'8" to catch me sleeping at the computer.
Friday (3/18/05 1pm)
I just woke up from a 20 minute nappy and I'm getting ready to go to a remote from 3-5pm...then it's off to DJ a teen dance to raise money for aplastic anemia...I'm sure I didn't spell that right but it should be a fun night.
One of my philosophies in life has always been that the answers are out there. Whenever I face a problem, I truly believe that someone else has faced that same or similar problem and that there is some info about it somewhere.....a book, an article, a friend who knows the answer, an expert, on-line, etc.
I tell myself that the answers are out there if you look for them and the reason I'm facing whatever problem it is...is because I just haven't found the answers yet. That being said, I put my brain in gear. So....it's been a busy couple of days.
I made a few calls to the fertility doctors, looked up more stuff on-line about the clotting disorder, called a specialist, and said many, many prayers. I also bought Rick Warrens "A Purpose Driven Life" although I haven't had a chance to read it yet. It was on the news last week as being back on the NY Times best-seller list. That lady who was abducted read it to her captor (the prisoner from the Atlanta court shooting) and she basically talked him into surrendering. I'm curious as to what it's all about.
I also made a few calls to the adoption agency. They suggested I call my congressman to see if their office would check on our INS paperwork. So I called the Youngstown office. They told me to call the Warren office. I called the Warren office. They told me to call the Akron office. I called the Akron office and got the guys voice mail. So I left a message. Much to my delight he did call me back. He said this happens alot and he will check into it. He said I should expect to hear from him today or possibly Monday. Hopefully it will be today.
For now....Monday seems so far away.
Wednesday (3/16/05 9pm)
Monday was a great day. It was one of those days where I woke up early, walked on the treadmill, got showered, knew exactly what I was going to wear and even had the matching panties set out.
I felt sooo coordinated. It's amazing how something so stupid can make you feel so good. I was the only one who knew those details but it boosted my whole moral for the day.
My mom always tells me to lay my clothes out the night before but I'm more of a free spirit. LOL
I tell myself that I don't know what I want to wear tomorrow and that I like to keep my options open. LOL.
Here's what my mornings are like: I start off with the intentions of wearing the blue shirt...then I don't like the fabric...or fit...or it needed ironed...or it juuussst doesn't feel right and I change into the purple one. Then by the time I've put on two other tops the lingerie is all wrong, clothes are on the floor, and I'm 5 minutes late. Hmmm.
I laugh every time I see that commercial of the lady deciding what to wear while her husband plays the download song on his computer "wondering what clothes to wear...wondering what clothes to wear...wondering what clothes to wear." Haa...At least I'm not the only one.
I'm actually having a bad day today. I feel like I'm going to cry at every turn. I'm still trying to call the government office (INS) to check the status of our 171A. No luck. This number is constantly busy and you cannot go there to check on it in person. I know...I tried. I swear it's impossible to get through but then again, our adoption agency warned us about it.
I tried until they switched it over to the recorded message that their office was closed for the day. My re-dial button is worn out. I was using my cell phone and the regular phone. Two at once.....and it was busy every dang time! I must have looked like I was trying to order sold-out concert tickets.
I also called the doctors office to see about "trying again" (kind of a follow up to our visit with the doctor). What we've found out...and are searching for info about...Turns out I have some sort of clotting factor "disorder". It's in my gene's...all these years and I've never known. I guess it's a relatively new test/discovery. If and when we get pregnant again, I'll have to have low dose blood thinner shots. It's worth a shot this time. We've already spent almost 4 years just to be where we are right now...uhhh...that's childless with three kitties.
It's days like this that I just think to myself:
Does God not think I would make a good mom? Does he think that I'm not worthy of having children?
And that's just a few of the thoughts I'm having today. Hmmmmm.
Goodnight Dear Diary.
Thursday (3/10/05 8pm)
Good news! I didn't trip and fall at the style show! Yippeee! I made it through. It was such a relief. Even as I was getting ready backstage I was worried that something would go wrong...but it didn't. Everything was great and it was a really cool style show. Phew.....That was the good part of my day. That and the fact that I didn't pig out on anything today. I was a very good girl. :) Although, I didn't make it to the Y today. I was absolutely exhausted and my feet were killing me from those cute little "lime sherbet" shoes that I was wearing at the show. Did I mention they had a matching purse? Too cute....until I checked the price ($69 for the purse! $250 for the suit...another $70 for the shoes...and $80 for the earrings, necklace and scarf) I realized that I'll need to keep the purse I have for now....or try T-J Maxx for a cheaper version. Oh well.
Besides, I'm still going through the weeding out my closet thing. I'm rotating front to back. If I don't wear it, I have to get rid of it. At least it's making me wear all of those things that are in my closet. It's really working. I think I'm going to do this twice a year from now on. And who knew that "lime green" would be "in" this year?
Nothing at the mailbox today. Everyday I go to check for our 171A form that we are waiting for from the government. It's been over 9 weeks. The adoption process is very frustrating but we try to keep focused on the future. If we could just get this form back...then we could send the rest of our documents to China. Then it would be about 6 months for a referral...then we travel to China.
For now....we wear out a path to our mailbox and we wait. Arghh.....
Okay, on another subject.....There's a few things I haven't written about. 6'8" and I haven't really known how to bring it up. We're going to have a long talk about it over the weekend and hopefully I'll be able to talk about it on Monday. It's really been bugging me. Okay...I'll wait until we talk about it to say any more. It's just that it's been bottled up inside me and I think I need to get it out. What's that saying about "the truth shall set you free"... yeah...We need talk about some of this stuff that we're facing in the next few months.
Goodnight Dear Diary,
Wednesday (3/9/05 11pm)
So tomorrow is the big day. It's the Annual Angels of Easter Seals Fashion Show at Mr. Anthony's. I love doing this event. It's a great cause and it's always been fun...
But for some reason this year is different. I'm stressing over it. I've been having this dream for the past week that I fall of the stage! My heel slips out from under me and down I go....just like in the movie Miss Congenialty. At least the ladies who attend will get their money's worth.
The one outift I'm modeling is so cute (I wish I could keep it.) It's a light green suit with matching purse and shoes. Okay, they call it sherbet. Whatever..but they have me in the matching "open-toe" shoes...which means no hose...which means my legs need some serious work. They look pasty white. So what's a girl to do? Yep. I headed to Golden Glow Tanning for that spray-on Mystic Tan. Ya' know, if someone were to ask me what I thought was one of the greatest inventions of the 21st century...I would have to put the "spray-on tan" near the top of my list. I feel like I just got back from Florida! And it only took 15 minutes. I laugh every time I come out of there though. If my husband could only see me wearing a plastic hair cap and getting sprayed like a car at the GM Autobody Shop....the lengths we go to just to look good (and feel good).
Anyhow, I pulled out my Nancy Ganz Body Slimmer slips to suck everything in and hopefully keep "everything else" in place. If I can only get through this and not trip on the runway.
Oh well....if I do, I'm sure it will help them sell more tickets to next years event. LOL.
Goodnight Dear Diary,
Monday (3/7/05 5pm)
We went to some friends house for a couples get together over the weekend. We just love these new friends and really have fun at our get-togethers. They all have kids but I prepared myself for any talk of children and I thought I'd be fine. And I was fine...even when the conversation turned to babies, children, miscarriages, and the fact that one of the women just found out she was pregnant and not trying. I'm certainly very happy for her and her husband. I'm actually VERY happy for them. They're such nice people. However, after 15 minutes (which seemed more like an hour) of all of the women talking about pre-natal care, delivery, pregnancy, ultrasounds, miscarriage, and baby clothes, I suddenly realized I wasn't okay. I had reached my quota. I was going to explode into tears at any minute. I politely asked directions to the restroom. I had just shut the door when the big ol' crocodile tears just fell out of my eyes. I just couldn't stop them. I stood there looking at myself in the bathroom mirror and I just kept sobbing. I was trying to do some "self pep-talk". After several minutes, I dried my face and was able to re-join the gathering. I felt so bad. I don't want people to think that they can't talk about such things in front of me. I was torn between "womanly bonding" and "self-preservation".
6'8" saw what was going on and did his usual to keep me in laughter. He went into the bathroom and walked out with a very long strand of toilet paper hanging out of his pants and dragging on the floor. As he walked out everyone noticed and the room erupted in laughter. What a guy!
Okay, while I'm sharing such things...here's something that happened a few weeks ago at one of those formal gatherings I went to. I wasn't going to bring it up...but why not.
So 6'8" and I are at our table just talking and enjoying a glass of wine. A lady I hadn't seen in some time came over and looking quite perplexed. She must have thought she was being polite when she looked at me and said "You shouldn't be drinking that wine in your condition." I realized at that moment she hadn't heard that we had lost the baby. Then the lightbulb must have gone off in her head at that same moment and she started to apologize profusley. It's one of those things where I actually felt worse for her. We talked and I told her it was fine and she continued to apologize...I felt so badly for her. A few minutes later she returned.....with a big ol' glass of Merlot for me. She said that she felt I should have a second glass after what she had said. That was sweet...and at that point in the night, I think I needed it. :)
Goodnight dear diary.
Thursday (5pm 3/3/05)
I feel so overwhelmed...I actually think I'm getting an ulcer. There aren't enough hours in the day to get everything I need to get done...done. And then things like this happen. Last night (9pm) we notice our sump pump is not shutting off. It keeps pumping when there's no more water to pump out and then finally shuts off when the motor gets so hot that the heat sensors kick in. Not good. It will burn up in no time at this rate. Now having been through a basement flood we tend to panic at the thought of a non-functioning sump pump. Okay...it's worse than that. It's udder fear and I didn't sleep at all last night. I was worried that it would spark and start a fire. Last night I had fire extinguishers in place, I sand bagged around the sump pit, and I had an evacuation plan for Bob and the kitties. Yep, fires are one of my biggest fears. I actually unplug appliances (toaster ovens, coffee makers, etc.) and circle the house like an Alaskan snow dog checking things everytime I leave. I know...I'm weird.
So today I called the home improvement store because that's where we got the sump pump and my dad put it in last year. Turns out the guy tells me that the switches in some of these have have gone bad. Bring it in and they'll replace it with a new one.
Easier said than done as I went downstairs and looked at the whole contraption. Calling a plumber is one more bill we can't afford right now. The incredibly nice guy at the store convinces me I can do this myself. I wish my dad was here but I know they can't be here right now.
So...how to begin? I grab the digital camera...take a picture and take it to the home improvement store to show the guy our set-up and figure out what we need to complete this task. Arrgghhh. I hate this kind of stuff....although I will hand it to Skip (the guy at the store...we're on a first name basis now)...he actually has me convinced that we can do this. Ha!
6'8" should be home soon and we'll begin our adventure into sump pump replacement. Maybe I'll have Bob wear his pants low just to look the part. :) Well ya' gotta find a way to make such things fun.
Goodnight dear diary.
Tuesday (3/2/05 9pm)
Well, it's not good news...but is it bad news? It's really just painful news. The doctor had the results of our karyotyping from the D & C. It's like an autopsy and it takes six weeks.
The results showed that there was absolutely nothing wrong with our baby. There were no chromosonal abnormalities. They categorize it as one of the 60% unexplained pre-natal deaths.
This news is really quite tormenting. It was a perfectly healthy baby.
Would I feel better if it wasn't? No...then we'd worry about the next time we were pregnant...that there would be problems. But that leaves us to deal with the thought that our perfectly healthy baby died. Why? Hmmm. The doctor said he was sorry but often they don't have such answers. He did suggest a few things we could try if we get pregnant again...if....hmmmm.
Which leads me to our next bit of news....Bob is sick. His doctor said he has strep throat...which explains why I'm sitting here at 9pm writing in my diary.
Goodnight Dear Diary......
Monday (2/28/05 8pm)
We just got home...It was a very long day...lot's of doctors.
I don't want to say anything until we talk to our parents...
So I'll just have to say goodnight a little early tonight.
Friday (2/25/05 2pm)
Can I say that I am officially sick of cold weather! Ughh...I can't stand it. Where's the sunshine? At least give me some sunshine. It wouldn't matter, I wouldn't be able to see it through my salt -crusted vehicle windshield. And that's another thing, I'm tired of those salt lines on my boots and the back of my pant legs.
My skin is pale, my hair is mousy brown, and static cling is everywhere. I'm sooooo sick of winter!
...Okay, I feel better now.
Perhaps it's winter...or is it the fact that I have to get all dressed up again tonight for another dinner event held at one of those swanky country clubs and once again...I don't have a thing to wear. Perhaps that's what's bugging me...perhaps that's why I'm a bit cranky...
perhaps someone needs a nap. :)
Goodnight Dear Diary.
Thursday (2/24/05 10pm)
Tonight was one of those really cool nights that just makes you appreciate the little things in your life. Nothing really exciting by most standards, but it was one of my favorite type of nights. We did nothing...really. Bob didn't get home until 7pm and we were both tired. We opened a bottle of wine and we just sat on the living room floor and talked to each other...and really listened. No tv, no computer, no distractions. We just talked about our day, our week, and silly little things that nobody would care about except your husband/best friend. The next thing we know we were surrounded by our three kitties who just wanted to hang out too. I looked around the living room floor and just thought...Wow...I am so lucky!
It was a very cool moment.
Goodnight Dear Diary,
Wednesday (2/23/05 5pm)
Explain this to me....How can a house get this messy in the course of less than one week?
I don't get it. As I looked around the house this afternoon, all I could think was "What would I do if the doorbell rang right now?" Well that's simple. I wouldn't be home. No way, no how...not answering that door.
And that's the irony! We haven't been home! So...how could two people who haven't been home, get a house so messy in 3 days...of not being home!!!! Argghhh. 6'8" and I just laugh at ourselves. I can't imagine the pitter patter of little feet messing this house up any more than we currently do. :) This is one we won't be able to blame on a baby.
I guess we've both been so busy that it's hard to pick up when you're in a rush...Speaking of that...I'm off to Texas Hold'em at YSU...that's if I can find my way into my closet to find something to wear.
Good night for now Dear Diary...maybe I'll write more later.
Sunday (2/20/05 10pm)
What a week and what a weekend.... It started as one of those crazy weeks. I hosted the American Heart Association "Heart Ball", we were at two schools, we married 4 couples on Valentines Day, hosted Texas Hold-'em at YSU, and hosted the dinner for the Rich Center for Autism on Friday. Is it any wonder that I ended up sick this weekend? I think my resistance got low. Poor Bob...he's been just as busy and he was sick last weekend. So how was our big post-Valentine "romantic" weekend? It was one big snot-fest, complete with high fever, coughing, sneezing, and sleeping. I was in sweats all weekend and I can tell you it was anything but romantic. I feel like a terrible wife but 6'8" was so sweet about it. He brought me Nyquil, Dayquil, soup, tissues, and cough drops the whole weekend. Wow...did I get a good guy or what.
On the down side...if my calculations are correct..and I've pretty much lost track, but based on sheer numbers alone...he was sick last week...I was sick this weekend....hmmm...not exactly increasing our chances of making a baby this month.....
Goodnight dear diary,
Wednesday (2/16/05 2pm)
I know I haven't written about the miscarriage in quite a few days.
Actually, I've been trying not to...I've been trying not write about it, think about it, talk about it, or dream about it...As Dr. Phil would ask "And how's that working for ya'?" Well...it's not.
I guess it's a defense mechanism. Writing about it was the only one I was able to "not" do. The rest just happens. In the next day or two I promise myself that I will write about it....I will let out some of these things that I've been holding inside. I think I'm ready for it. I think.
On a much lighter note, I just received the coolest e-mail. It was a thought for the day. It said:
"Today might be the day when everything starts falling in place."
Wow...that is an attitude I need to have! Today...yes, today could be the day.
Thank you....who ever you are that sent that to me....thank you.
Tuesday (2/15/05 11pm)
I hate it when I take a nap during the day and then I'm up late because I can't sleep...like right now. :)
I got a call tonight from the adoption agency! They were just checking in. I thought they had some news for us so I was more than a little disappointed. I keep checking the mailbox everyday waiting to hear from the government. The adoption agency did give me a number to call INS tomorrow and check on our paperwork. Cool....I'm calling first thing in the morning.
Hey, I went to the Y this afternoon and walked on the treadmill. Why is it so hard to make myself exercise? Argghhhh. It's only the 3rd time I've been there since all of this happened...well....not counting the two times I walked in, stayed for 5 minutes and then had to leave because I started crying. And it doesn't count the 3 times that I actually drove in the parking lot, circled around and then left because...well...I just talked myself out of it. Now...if I can make it there tomorrow and actually go in...I might be onto something.
Goodnight Dear Diary.
Friday (2/11/05 11:30PM)
I have nothing to wear...No...really. Tomorrow night I am the emcee for the American Heart Association Heart Gala and I really have nothing to wear. I spent tonight at the mall. I tried on every dressy dress they had in stock. Nothing!
What am I looking for? A nice evening dress...nothing trampy or too revealing but nothing that makes me look like a school marm....or a bridesmaid...or a prom date.....I'm convinced such a dress doesn't exist or I would have found it. Quite frankly, I'd like to wear my comfy black turtleneck and nike sweatpants. I'm pretty sure that won't go over very well.
Besides, I feel fat. I'm sure these 10 pounds are sticking around due to some "emotional eating" I've been involved in lately....comfort foods mostly....trying to "heal the soul." Yeah, it's been a tough few weeks.
My mom always says "You'll find whatever you're looking for in your own closet". I'm not sure if that's so true this time. There is that one black dress that I was thinking about wearing until I realized that I wore it to the same event last year....then I realized that my "second choice" eveningdress was the one I wore to the same event the year before. Not cool. I'm sure they wouldn't notice...but what if to my absolute embarrassment they're comparing photos from last year and the year before and go..."Oh there's Kelly Stevens at this years event...Or is that last year...or the year before?" Hmmm.
It's so easy for men...Rent a tux...or wear a dark suit...Sorry guys, but no one notices and you always look great. With women...it's a whole different story.
So...I'm less than 18 hours away from the Heart Gala...and I have not found "the" dress.
Tomorrow could be a real adventure.
Bob's asleep. Apparently, he knows what he's wearing. Yep...the dark suit. Lucky guy. Argghhhhh.
Goodnight Dear Diary.
Thursday (2/10/05 3am)
I think dog-sitting is very close to baby-sitting. It's been a long time since I've done either.
I grew up in the country so if "Peppy" needed out she'd scratch at the door or open the screen door herself. It was taken care of. She was discreet and always managed to do it away from the house so you didn't really worry about clean-up...hey...that's country living.
I love dogs... I really do...always have. But I never realized how much work dogs are over cats. It's really quite funny. They say caring for dogs is very close to having children, a labor of love. I believe it. So our friends asked if we would doggie-sit their two medium/large dogs for a few days. We said sure without hesitation. We love our friends and we love their dogs. The doggies are staying in our front hall because it's a tile floor. It's not all the comforts of home but at least they didn't have to go to the kennel. They're both "older" doggies and are just so sweet. Our cats don't seem to know that the dogs are "sweet" so we set up baby gates to keep them separated. It's really for their own protection...the dogs protection. :)
So at 2am this morning I hear the doggies "boofing" ...and they boofed and boofed.
I felt so bad for them...you know strange house and all. Plus I'm sure they miss their "real parents". Dogs are so sensitive...and they just love attention. So I throw on some sweat pants and tennis shoes, put on leashes, and out the door we go. It's cold, windy, and snowing.
At that moment I realized I'm standing there talking baby talk to the doggies. It went something like this..."Come on Lady Jane, let's go pee-pee. Isabella went pee-pee and we can't go in to get a treat until you go pee-pee too....Please go pee-pee...pretty please."
Ya' know, I don't think I've ever said anything remotely similar to my cats...ever. In fact, trips to the bathroom are very private for cats. Not so with dogs. In fact, dogs need praise for going pee-pee and extra praise for poo-poo.
6'8" and I have actually found our dinner conversations this week being reports of the doggies bathroom activities. Our conversations went something like this: (Bob) "Hey honey, Lady Jane went poo-poo but Isabella didn't. Oh yeah, it was in the neighbors yard but it's winter and maybe they won't notice. Hey, maybe it will be fertilizer by spring......Kell......Kell....."
He's such a kidder.
Oopps, I think Lady Jane is boofing again....At least it stopped snowing. :)
Goodnight dear diary.
Tuesday (2/8/05 4am)
Sorry I haven't written but we've had problems with our web site and nobody has been able to log on. I don't even know if anyone can read this but here goes.
Bills...bills...bills I am so tired of going to the mailbox and getting nothing but bills. So yesterday I get the mail and there's a letter from my insurance company saying they won't be paying ANY of the bills from when I was in the emergency room in mid December. Why? Because the hospital emergency room I was taken to wasn't a "network provider".
You've got to be kidding me! Let's see...I was unconscious, was pregnant, had lost a ton of blood, was literally bleeding to death, and now they're saying they may not pay because I didn't check to see if the hospital they were rushing me to was a "network provider". Did I mention that bill was over $7,000!!!!
And that's how my Monday went.
But I'm still trying to stay positive. :)
Tuesday (2/1/05 1pm)
Just got back from the dentist (Dr. Barkett). She's awesome!
I have a new diet. It's the novocain diet. LOL. I can't eat a thing because I'm not sure where my lower lip is. It's such a funny feeling. Yes, a shot of novocain everyday to numb my mouth and I'd be a size 6 in no time. Okay, maybe an 8 if I'm lucky.
So here's my new clothing plan. Last weekend, when I was getting rid of the maternity clothes I had saved, I noticed how many more things I had that I never wear.
So...I'm making a vow...that from today on I'm going to try to wear every single top/sweater/shirt/jacket in my closet without repeating anything. I just want to see how long I can go. You see, I'm in a clothing rut. I have those certain ones that are my favorites... they're comfy...I love them and feel good in them. No more!....I need to branch out and what better time. Now, this can't apply to pants or jeans right because I'm really limited on my choices in that department. It's amazing what 2 months of not being able to work-out can do to one's hips and thighs.
So, if don't love a shirt/blouse/sweater enough to wear it at least once this season I'm giving it to charity. Done deal.
They say that new energy won't enter your life unless you get rid of the old. And I'm all about getting some new energy in my life.
This means you'll probably see me in a "kiwi" sweater that's been in the back of my closet for three years. Nah...maybe I'll just get rid of it now.
Monday (1/31/05 9pm)
Was it a boy or a girl?...that question haunts me. I try not to think about it.
We went back to the doctors today....more on that later.
Goodnight dear diary.
Saturday (1/29/05 5pm)
Well it happened. I made my first “appearance” yesterday. It went so well...A three hour remote broadcast. I had so much fun at the furniture store...I love going out on location. It's always been one of the fun parts of what we do.
Then, right as I’m carrying the last piece of equipment out to the van, a lady walks in and says “Hi Kelly, Congratulations!” I half smiled and quickly walked out to the van. I got in, headed back to the station and before I stopped at the first red light I just let loose….sobbing like I haven’t sobbed in at least a week. It was inevitable. I’m just glad it didn’t happen until the end of the remote. It's amazing how a good cry actually makes you feel better...and I do. I feel bad for guys...that they don't have a good cry when they really need to.
It’s not that I’m sad for me…I’m just kind of sad sometimes...like PMS sad. I know this is just the backlash of the whole miscarriage thing. You know...it's that "you don't know why you're crying" cry. Don’t they have “happy lights” that are supposed to help with this? I should try to order one although from everything I've read this "stage" should pass in the next few weeks.
I don’t want to fake that I'm 100%. I'm not and I know it. It takes time to heal from this sort of thing... I don’t want some husband saying to his wife who just had a miscarriage…”Why can’t you get over it? That chick on HOT-101 was fine and it happened to her. Look, she's back at work”. I want to be real about what’s happening with us, I guess that’s why I feel so free and open to talk about it here.
Anyhow, I went to the Y and walked on the treadmill today. I had to get the endorphins going. I actually felt better afterwards although my jeans still aren't fitting like they should. And yes, I stepped on the scales this afternoon...Like one day back at the gym was going to magically shave 8 pounds off my butt. Hey, ya' can't blame a girl for trying.
The Y has those classes for toddlers going on and there was the cutest little Chinese baby...about two years old. I had fun watching her and the other kids go through the agility course. She was with her mom. I wanted to go up to her and ask her about her adoption experience but I didn't. With my luck I would go up and ask and then the very Asian looking daddy would appear from around the corner. I would die of embarrassment and want to crawl under a rock.
Ya' just can't go around assuming anything about anybody. So instead, I just watched and smiled and thought about our little girl who's waiting for us in China.
Thursday (1/27/05 2pm)
I just got back from the grocery store. I was so hungry by the time I left there I grabbed a yogurt from one of the bags in the trunk and ate it on the way home. I know they say never go to the grocery store hungry and I now know why.
Explain this to me…why do they put re-sealable tops on yogurt? I had that thing wolfed down in 4 spoonfuls. Who only eats a half of a yogurt at a time? Not me. For the record it was low-fat Boston Crème Pie flavor and it tasted nothing like Boston Crème Pie. I should have saved the 110 calories and had a real slice of the stuff. Had there been one at the store…I probably would have.
Anyhow, I just got home and started to make some calls. It’s amazing where time goes when you’re on the phone doing busy work. I hate it. Plus this is my “lull” time. I’ve figured out in my schedule that this is the time of day when the tired cranky feeling hits me. I need to either take a nap or just veg in front of the tv. Now I know how two year olds feel. I don’t want to take a nap but I don’t want to do anything and some days I cry for no reason…yep…just like a two year old.
I guess I should update you on the doctors visit….we still don’t know anything. The test results aren’t back. This waiting game is taking its toll. I did get a few e-mails telling me that right after a miscarriage is the “prime time” to get pregnant. Several women said that it happened for them. Hmmm…it’s interesting but it’s really hard to think about right now. I'm still trying to get my hormones back in check. I'm just not me yet...still really emotional. Does that make sense? Is this what a woman goes through after she has a baby? I'm sure that it's 10 times worse because you carry it 4 times longer. No wonder they tell you to take at least 6 weeks off after having a baby.
Plus, I've received letters from women who have had several miscarriages. I can't imagine going through this again...
The other waiting game (but a very bright spot) in our lives is our adoption. Here’s something that I didn’t share last week. When all of this was going on (the week of the miscarriage and D&C), the adoption agency called us and asked about our paper work. We were shocked because we had turned everything in back in December. The last time we had talked to our social worker she was over-nighting the papers to them that day. That was over a month before. Well it turns out that they had filed our home study in with another family’s file. Arghhhh!!!!!!! Anyhow, they filed our papers again and now it’s a waiting game to hear from the government. After that we have one more set of documents that get notarized and we wait for a referal from the Chinese government. That process takes about another 6-8 months. And we wait…Perhaps my lesson in life is patience. I know the little girl that we’re supposed to adopt is waiting for us too. I’m sure she’s trying to be patient as well.
Goodnight Dear Diary.
Monday (1/24/05 12noon)
I'm a nervous wreck. We go back to the doctors today for an update on things. I don't know if they'll have the test results back. I'm scared, I'm nervous, and right now I would eat a pint of Ben & Jerry's right out of the carton. Thank goodness there's none in our freezer.
I spent most of yesterday re-arranging my closet. Over the past two months I had made a section for clothes that would work as maternity wear...you know, just thinking ahead. Plus, I had bought a few maternity tops when we first found out we were pregnant. I know it's silly but I so excited about being pregnant and I couldn't wait to stop into the Motherhood store...besides, they were having a sale. :) Anyhow, I think I jinxed myself by buying stuff too early.
The tops still have the tags on them but I'm really not in the mood to walk into that store right now for any reason. I could have packed them away for "next time" but I really just need a clean break. So, I packed up a bag of clothes to take to the battered women's shelter. I'm sure someone else can use these clothes right now.
I'm still trying to find a purpose for all of this...I think that as humans it's how we deal with death, life, and God. We have to find a reason...otherwise, nothing makes sense. I think I've found something that for now is giving me a little bit of peace. I'll share it with you when I have more time.
Meanwhile, I feel like re-inventing myself....like a car that needs serviced at 30,000 miles....a new hair-style, highlights, lowlights, eyebrows waxed, massage, spray-on tan, new make-up...anything!
I haven't been to the mall for a while. Does anybody have the "free gift" with purchase promotion going on? That always cheers me up....
Meanwhile, where's the crew from Extreme Makeover when you need 'em?
For now...something chocolate will have to do.
Wednesday (1/19/05 10pm)
It happened….I figured it would happen eventually and it did. I didn’t feel bad for me. I really felt bad for the other guy…let me explain.
I’m walking across a parking lot and it’s snowy. A guy I know saw me and politely said…”Hey new mommy, you’d better be careful with that precious cargo.....”
My heart sank. He didn’t know that we’d lost the baby and here he was being so nice…concerned for my safety.
I realized how he meant it as a compliment. He was looking out for my best interest and it was really sweet of him to be so concerned that I didn’t slip and fall. But on the inside I was paralyzed and I didn’t know what to say or how to say it. I just gave a half smile and kept walking. Then he said it….”So when are you due?”
Ohhh those words stung!…..but all of the sudden I wasn’t so concerned about me as I was for him and how badly he would feel because of the answer that I now had to give.
There’s no easy way to tell someone that you’re “no longer pregnant” and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. After all, he was really just being nice. So he said it “When are you due?” I hesistated, then glanced up and quietly said “I’m not.”
The poor fellow…..the look on his face. Then he started to tear up and that made me start to tear up. Then he gave me a hug and was so apologetic. I just felt so badly for him. What do you say at a time like this?
So, there it was…my first encounter of someone not hearing the bad news. I'm sure it won't be the last. I can't magine it will get easier, but I can't imagine it being any more difficult than that first time.
I still try to find my sense of humor in all of this. I remember reading a column by Dave Barry, the comedian/newspaper columnist.
“Never ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you actually see the baby emerging from between her legs….and even then, say it with a degree of surprise…almost a question…like…'Oh you’re pregnant'?”
I don’t know why but that actually made me laugh. Good advice Dave Barry…good advice. :)
1/18/05 (Tuesday 3pm)
Never underestimate the power of throwing an 8 pack of paper towels down the basement steps. It also helps make a loud noise while throwing them, although I think mine sounded more like a growl.
It really was quite therapeutic.
For some reason I felt the need to clean the house, like somehow if I washed baseboards and floors it would wash the pain away. It didn’t…but I’m sure the house needed it, although it really wiped me out physically.
6’8” and I spent the weekend trying to re-focus. We needed time together to clear our heads. We ventured out of the house a few times. That was so hard..... I really would have rather stayed at home in bed but I'm glad he made me get out of the house. I'm just so afraid that I'm going to burst out in tears at any moment....but it was cool...and I didn't...until we got home and we both broke down and cried.
I’ve been trying not to take the pain medicine they give you and just take advil instead. I wish the cramps would stop. It’s not that they’re that painful, it just that every time I feel one it’s a reminder of what isn’t there anymore…..
I got a really cool quote the other day. I’ve been trying to focus on it. It said “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” Wow……
There’s some food for thought.
Goodnight Dear Diary.
1/14/05 (Friday 12 noon)
Tears are like water at the top of a waterfall. If one starts to come out, they’re all going over the edge. Hoover Dam would have had a hard time holding ours back this week.
I was able to go back to work today and with the exception of about 4 private breakdowns in the ladies room….I did okay.
This morning got off to a rough start. I should have laid my clothes out last night but I didn’t. I knew I wanted to wear a black turtleneck. It fit my mood, it’s slimming, and I thought maybe I could pull it over my face if I burst out crying.
So here I am getting dressed and I can’t find any gutchies. What! The whole week had gone by and I really hadn’t noticed that I didn’t do laundry....and I love doing laundry, really, I do. So what gutchies do I have? Well there’s thongs…those won’t work…not for now...women will understand why. And there’s those special “Hospital Issue Granny-panty” undies that they send you home from the hospital with (like a month supply).
Who invented these things? They’re like two pieces of cheap nylon mesh sewn together in the most crooked way possible so that you can barely figure out which is the leg opening and which is the waist opening...
I wasn’t sure whether to wear them or dust with them.
Anyhow, I was determined my first day back to salvage as much of my womanly pride as possible. I finally found a pair of regular undies in the back of my drawer that had pink flowers and lace. No wonder they were clean…I never wear them.
I looked like Rebecca of Sunny Brook Farm. Even 6'8" laughed and said “Where’d ya’ get those?” Thank goodness I was the only one who knew what I was wearing…at least at work.
I cried pulling out of the driveway, I cried down 680, I cried as I exited at Midlothian and finally said “Suck it up girl...” as I pulled in the parking lot and dried my face. I knew when I walked in the studio the guys were scared that I might start crying. They didn’t hug me and they didn’t look me in the eye. I could sense their fear and I understood. I was feeling the same. Now don’t get me wrong, I work with two wonderfully sensitive and caring guys but I know them well enough to know that they don’t handle crying well...
AC would rather you run over his foot with your SUV than to see you crying.
DC would jump up on the table and start dancing like a Chippendale if he saw your eyes even start to well up.
It’s just how some guys handle things and I understand. It actually made me chuckle thinking about it. I love those guys and I know they feel the same. No one really knows how to act in times like this. They kept me laughing all morning and that was needed even more…hugs of laughter…lot's of 'em...the perfect prescription to get me through this morning. Thanks guys :)
I still need regular hugs so if you see me out, feel free to send one my way.
For now...I'm off to do some laundry.
1/13/05 (Thursday 3am)
As much as my body has filled with hormones over the past 2 1/2 months, it is now deflating...... I cry in the middle of doing things….kind of like PMS. This too shall pass.
I’m actually going to try to make myself go to work tomorrow. I've kind of been a recluse....not wanting to leave the house even to go to the mailbox, not answering the phone...I haven’t even been able to answer e-mails (although I’ve read each and every one and they have been a tremendous comfort to me). Other than Bob the only people I’ve talked to is my mom and dad. I just don’t know what to say to anyone else.
I’ve tried to be so strong for my parents but yesterday I just lost it. They sent me a bouquet of flowers and I just sobbed. My mom said she didn’t mean to make me cry, she thought they’d cheer me up. I just started sobbing and told her I didn’t deserve them. I don't know why I said that but it's what I truly was feeling. I feel like a failure as a woman. Again, I'm sure this too shall pass.
I’m going to make myself get out of the house today…go to the bank. I don’t know…anything where I get up and leave the house. I should go buy some waterproof mascara. I haven’t worn make-up all week and I’m looking pretty ratty. I'm sure that if Mr. Blackwell could see me I'd make his Worst Dressed list too. :)
How do I begin? What do I share? What do I keep inside?
I’ve never been through something like this and I don’t how I’m supposed to feel.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to say.
I don’t know right now how I can face anyone.
Will I break down and cry? Will I burst into tears at the first mention of something? Gosh I hope not.
It's been so hard...especially the 48 hours where we knew that we had lost the baby but before they could do the procedure. The doctor suggested we go home and relax and have a glass of wine, take an aspirin if needed…but I couldn’t. I know this sounds morbid but the baby was still inside of me and I had worked so hard to protect this little being. I couldn’t even fathom doing something to polute its’ little body.....
I just couldn’t do anything that might hurt it….alive or not.
Monday night (the night before the D&C) Bob and I sat on the living room floor, reading each and every one of the e-mails that you had sent us.
We read, we cried, we grieved, and we prayed.
What does one pray for at this point? We prayed for our little one to be safe in heaven, strength to get through this, strength for our families, peace to return to our lives, and we prayed for others who let us know that they had been through this same thing. We cried ourselves to sleep.
Tuesday morning we were up early and had to be at the hospital by 6am.
I was panicked about being put under anesthesia. I was so afraid that there would be some sort of complications…that I would wake up and find out that they had to take everything and that we would never be able to have a baby. I was petrified!
They gave us some time alone before they did the procedure and again we cried. Then Bob had to go out to the waiting room. I was so sad thinking about him out there alone.
I remember being wheeled into the OR. Tears just kept rolling down my cheeks. They were warm tears in this cold operating room. I lay there crying. I looked up at the lights and my tears became sobs and I couldn’t stop. Even though I couldn’t see their faces because of their masks and what I could see of them was blurry because of my tears, the nurses were so incredibly nice. The two nurses each grabbed one of my hands and they held my hands and patted my arms to comfort me. I remember at that moment thinking how incredibly kind of them, how that simple gesture really comforted me. I’ll never forget their kindness. They told me to breathe deeply and with every sob I would try to inhale. Finally, I guess I was under.
I remember waking up in recovery…the reality of everything and where I was and why I was there hit me and I began to sob again. They brought Bob in and we cried together. Eventually our tears faded and he told me the doctor said everything went well. We talked about how we have each other and our families. Despite what we’ve gone through we are so lucky in so many ways.
We arrived home from the hospital and I spent most of the day sleeping. I’m not sure if it was the medicine or if my body was just exhausted. Bob slept too.
I’m not sure if animals know when we’re grieving but our kitties were such a comfort to us. It’s like they knew and they stayed with us all day.
I know that for several months people who haven’t heard that we lost the baby will be coming up to us giving congratulations and asking when we’re due. It’s not their fault. I’m sure they just didn’t hear. As happy as I was to share the pregnancy news, I’ll have to share the bad news too. Time will heal this I’m sure and with each day it will get better.
I made Bob go back to school today. He teaches K-3 special education and his kids don’t adjust well to substitute teachers. They love “Mr. Fick” and he needs them too. Besides, I probably need some time to just be alone. Sometimes when were alone we get to know ourselves the best.
Thank you again for all of your e-mails and prayers. It means so much to us. I don’t know how we could get through this without all of you. You are my extended family…and I love you.
Hello everyone.....This is Bob, kell's husband. I just wanted to let everyone know that she came through the surgery (D&C) just fine. It's been a rough couple of days. She's resting and has slept most of the day, probably for the best.
We spent yesterday and most of last night reading e-mails from everyone. Thank you all for your kind words. It means so much to us.
My darkest entry.........
We went to the doctor and our worst fear was realized.
We held our breath like we have for every ultrasound. But this time we never came up for air.
The doctor started by pointing out our baby’s new little arms and we could see two legs and the little head, but the doctor mumbled something under his breath. I don’t know what he said. We were too stunned by what we saw on the screen. There was our baby up on the screen but there was no heartbeat, no movement. I thought for sure the doctor just didn’t have the probe in the right way. As he twisted it and turned it we kept looking for the slightest glimmer of movement...the little flash that is a heartbeat…but nothing. …there was no heartbeat to be found.
And the tears swelled in our eyes….and we both whimpered cries….and the doctor said he would leave us alone for a while….and then we both broke down sobbing and hugging each other. I kept telling Bob I’m sorry....I’m so sorry….
Why did this happen? How could this happen after all we had made it through? The worst was supposed to be over.
We were faced with the grim realization that it is over.
Our baby no longer had a heartbeat. Our little fighter couldn’t fight anymore.
Why? No one can answer that for us. My mind is full of thoughts….
Was it something I did? Something I didn’t do? Something I ate? Something I didn’t eat? Why is God punishing me? Did I not pray hard enough? Why?
It was so hard to tell my parents and Bob’s parents. They were so looking forward to being grandparents. Their hearts are broken too.
Am I just not supposed to be a mom? I feel like our hopes and dreams have crumbled. We have tried for so long. This was our miracle and now it’s gone.
I don’t understand it. Please God, tell me why this happened....
1/08/05 (Saturday morning 4am)
It's 4am and I woke up once again starving...I'm talking absolutely famished!!! My stomach was growling and there was no going back to sleep.
What am I...a hummingbird? Don't they have to constantly eat?
I'm starting to feel more like a hybernating Mama Bear....I raid the refrigerator and go back to sleep. :)
I'm drinking a glass of orange juice and grabbing a quick snack of healthy food....skim milk, Healthy Choice turkey slices, etc. The up side is that I haven't had morning sickness yet.
I think I'll try to go back to sleep. I hope I don't wake up Papa bear and the kitties.
PS....Speaking of 6'8", I found the hidden box of Gianno's chocolate yesterday...but I didn't eat any. I teased Bob that he has to become a better "hider" than that.
Afterall, one day we'll be hiding "real" stuff like Christmas presents, stocking stuffers, Easter Eggs, Easter baskets, etc. LOL...and I can't wait for those days.
Good night Dear Diary.
1/05/05 (Wednesday 4pm)
Another day has passed...and we're still pregnant. Yippeee! The hours turn into days, days turn into weeks, and the weeks turn into months. Less than seven more months and we'll have made it.
This year one of my resolutions is to give more thanks each day to God and the universe for all I've been given. I've been given the gift of a child. Wow! That is so amazing.
I heard Joel Osteen (the guy on tv from Texas) give a sermon about giving thanks each day and it really hit home. I want to remember to give thanks each and every day. I'm making that one of my New Year's resolutions.
I'm also thankful to everyone who has been checking out the diary and letting me know that they're praying for us and our baby. It really touches me that you care so much.
This baby is a already a gift in so many ways.
It's let me see the world in a different way...and it's let me see myself in a different way.
Thank you....thank you so much.
1/03/05 (Monday 2pm)
Sorry I didn't write much last week. My family was in town and I wanted to spend as much time as I could with them.
Today was a day of many firsts.
It was the first day back to work since I was in the hospital December 15th.
It was the first day I've driven a vehicle since then.
And it was the first day I haven't been in sweat pants.
I was really worried if anything would actually fit. Sometimes it's not how big you are, it's how big you feel....and I was sure I didn't feel "thin" if you know what I mean.
I tried to deflect by wearing a bright top and pulling my hair up. Plus I knew AC and DC would probably be looking at my inflated chest again. LOL....guys....LOL.
What's weird is that I haven't really gained much weight....5 pounds (and I usually gain that over the holidays anyhow)....but the fat is re-distributing itself in different places. I swear my hips have widened...
At one point over the weekend I was sure I was on track to be the world's largest pregnant woman. I even had 6'8" hide the box of chocolates from me.
It's kind of cool though. I had a realization today. This is one January where I'm not going to find myself in a panic over which weight loss program is going to work for me....
I'm not going to worry about who's lost how much weight and what program they were on.....
I'm not going to feel guilty over not making it to the gym....
I'm not going to beat myself up if I'm not "perfect" on a nutritional program.
There's a kind of peace in my heart instead of the usual frenzy that hits me this time of year. No one told me about this perk of motherhood.
So instead of my usual resolution to lose weight...blah...blah...blah. I'm actually resolving to gain weight this year...and guilt free. Afterall, I'm pregnant and I may never have this opportunity again. LOL.
Now...where's that box of Gianno's chocolates I asked 6'8" to hide from me?
12/30/04 (Thursday 5pm)
Chocolate....Milk chocolate....It's all I think about. This isn't like "Yes, thank you, I think I'll have a piece of chocolate..."
No.....it's more of a demonic voice saying "I will eat all of the chocolate in the universe...right now."
I think I'm beginning to convince myself that chocolate is one of the four main food groups.
I have been so obsessive about eating all of the good foods...I'm talking spinach, brocolli, celery, carrots, leafy green veggies, beta-carotene rich foods, apple, oranges, protein and complex carbs plus pre-natal vitamins, folic acid and iron supplements. 6'8" couldn't tempt me with a bite of a dessert...no cheesecake...nothing bad.
My diet has been pristine since I found out I was pregnant...not even a cookie....until this past week.
What's weird is that I don't want Snickers...which I would normally love. I don't want Reese's Peanut Butter Cups...No Nestle Crunch Bars. Just pure milk chocolate...
Is there some nutrient in chocolate that I could be lacking? Hmmm...
I'm ready to raid the Gorant Candy store on Market Street. I must have more chocolate...milk chocolate...lot's of milk chocolate. I hope this is just a passing phase of pregnancy.
Do chocolate covered cherries count as a fruit serving too?
Goodnight Dear Diary,
12/28/04 (Tuesday 3pm)
We went to the doctors today. I thought today would never get here. I'm just so anxious to know how this little guy (or girl) is doing. I'm like a kid at Christmas. It seemed like it would never get here. (How am I gonna last for 7 more months?) :)
Anyhow, 6"8" and I realized that we both actually stop breathing before each ultrasound. When we see that heartbeat on the monitor we both gasp for air like swimmers who have stayed under water for too long.
I'm happy to say that we got a big gulp of air today! Yes!!! We still have a baby with a heartbeat....and one that is growing like crazy! Although I'm sure that our baby is probably growing a quite normal rate, but we walked out of the office like very proud parents whose child had just made the honor roll when the doctor told us the baby was now double in size from 10 days ago. Yes, that's our baby! You just keep on growing little baby.
Okay, now for the other reality...the blood clot is still there....but it hasn't gotten any bigger. They can't give me any blood thinners because that would harm the baby...so the very patient doctor said we will just keep watching it. And he said no aerobics for me (like I'm ready to go run a marathon--ha) He also said no grocery shopping....no housework....no long term standing...
I'll be fine. I'm still on vacation until Monday (1/3) and so is 6'8".
Speaking of Bob...he's been a saint. He's cooked breakfast for me and my parents, he made Christmas dinner for everyone, he's cleaned the entire house several times, and he's just been the all around good guy. I don't know how I got so lucky.
Bob and I didn't exchange gifts this year. We're kind of broke between doctors, hospitals, and adoption fees. Besides, we both realize that in the big picture, this baby is the best gift we could give to each other. We did something that I know we'll always remember. We wrote each other a letter and we opened them on Christmas Day. I'll tear up if I think about it and I'm pretty emotional these days anyway...so let's just say it was a wonderful Christmas for us....one we'll never forget.
12/23/04 (Thursday 11pm)
This morning started out in a very bad way. I was on the computer (early morning) when the phone rang. Whenever the phone rings that early you know it’s not good news. My mom and dad are vacationing in Florida and when I looked down and saw their name on caller ID, well, I just knew it wasn’t good. I answered and my mom was sobbing uncontrollably. I start to panic and started questioning her. What?…What’s wrong? Are you okay? Is it dad? Is he okay? What about Debbie?…What’s going on mom? She takes a few breaths and delivers the bad news. My uncle Corky (her brother) passed away from a heart attack during the early morning hours. Oh the tears just welled up….I can’t even explain. My mom has 3 brothers and two sisters. Their family (6 kids) has always been so close as they lost their parents when they were very young. They were as tight as any family could be. She once told me "As siblings we never fought because growing up we were all we had".This was the first death amongst the siblings. It’s so sad. It just puts what you think is your “worst day” into perspective.
All I could think of was my Aunt Jenny, her kids, her grandson PJ who's three...and how Christmas will never be the same for them...how life will never be the same for them. There will be such a void in their hearts.
Then I realize that I need to go into action mode. My mom and dad need me to help them pick up the pieces. They need to get back home and I need to help them get here. My mom needs to be with all of her family. I get on the internet and try to get a flight out today (Thursday) but nothing on several airlines. They were sold out. Finally, I find something for Friday. It works. I call her back throughout the day and she’s really having a rough time. I feel helpless because she’s there, we’re here and there’s nothing I can do to comfort her right now.
I want to put my arms around her and tell her how sorry I am that she’s lost someone so close to her…I want to tell her to remember how much we all loved Uncle Corky because he was just one of those really good guys. I want to remind her to remember the fun and laughter we all had at Thanksgiving. I want her to remember those times that Uncle Corky would have us all in tears from laughter.
I don’t know how it feels to be a mom but I know how it feels to be a daughter and know that your mom is hurting and not being able to take away the hurt....I’m sure it’s similar.
Meanwhile, Bob and I feel helpless. We don’t really know what to do. There’s nothing to do until tomorrow. By this time it’s 6pm and we’re supposed to go to a get-together at AC and Gerta’s house around 7:30pm. It’s AC’s annual holiday gathering. Do we call and explain what’s happened and that we don't feel right about attending? We don't want to put a damper on their fun. We decided that we probably shouldn’t say anything and just go as scheduled since we really do need to get out of the house for an hour or two and there’s nothing we can do at home. The doctor says I’m allowed out as long as I try to limit my activity and promise to stay seated as much as possible. Besides, Bob and I really needed to get out.
Just being around good friends really cheered us up. To be very honest, we needed it.
I’m really glad we went. We started playing Catchphrase (I played the “sit still in my chair” version). We all were laughing so hard and having so much fun. The baby got a good dose of side-splitting laughter. I think it was healthy for all of us.
It's amazing how friends can help you get through life's toughest times and they may not even know that they're doing it. They're just being true friends and that's a gift you can't buy at the store.
On the way home 6’8” and I were still laughing about some of the silly things said in Catchphrase and what a fun time we had with our friends.
Then reality started to hit us and our thoughts turned again to our family and the loss of my uncle Corky. He really was one of those good guys.
We went to the doctors yesterday (Wednesday)...another day of holding our breath until the ultrasound. Great news! The baby is doing fine and is growing like a weed! Of course he/she has a long way to go to become 6'8"!!!
There was some bad news which I'm trying not to focus on....the doctor said the blood clot did get a little bigger too. The doctor could tell how disturbed we were by this. He said that there's nothing we can do. My body has to heal and hopefully this blood clot will dissolve on it's own. They don't want to put me on blood thinners because it could harm the baby. I'll do whatever is best for the baby.
The doctor did suggest that we try do something for our mental well being. He said we should try to go to a movie or to dinner as long as I don't have to climb steps or walk at the mall. Believe me...I don't have the energy to do either. We'll see.
I do know that just the trip to the doctors caused me to come home and take a 2 hour nap. It wiped me out.
I'm trying to stay as positive as I can. On the way home we stopped by the Shrine in North Jackson. It's such a peaceful place and we just needed some time to give thanks for the good news that we had just heard from the doctors. Just seeing the decorations and the manger scene made me start crying all over again...but it was a good cry if you know what I mean.
I can't promise that my diary will always be pretty...today is not a good day. It's the first day that I haven't slept all day.
I'm so emotional.... I’m constantly crying. I know my body has been through so much in the past week but I'm actually crying at the drop of a hat. Today I was thinking about my dog Peppy who died (at the age of 17) in 1987. Why was I crying about Peppy? I have no idea. I looked at our Christmas stockings and I just started to sob because I remembered that my mom still has Peppy's stocking at her house and she still hangs it every year. For some reason that made me cry.
Then I really started to cry because the adoption agency called and they've lost one of our forms.
I cried because I think I'm never going to get to be a mom.
Thank goodness we have a copy of the form but I need to get a copy made to send to them, then have Fed-Ex overnight it...I would love to do that except for the fact that the doctor has me on bed rest and I'm not allowed out of the house. Bob won't be home in time to get it out today so it's one more day that this whole process is delayed. Plus, I keep watching Discovery Health Channel and they have the Baby Story followed by the Adoption Story on in the afternoons. Not good for a woman in my current situation.
I know it's weird but I actually feel better writing this. I think it's been great therapy for me and I so appreciate all of you for remembering me your prayers and/or taken the time to drop me a note.
I should probably explain what happened last week. Here goes.
Tuesday evening I started spotting again. I called the doctors office and they said basically just take it easy, there's nothing I could do. They said that if I were miscarrying to look for a very heavy "period". Sure enough that’s what happened. While this is not for those with weak stomachs, I'm going to give most all of the details. I was bleeding huge amounts. We cried the rest of the night while the bleeding just continued. I woke up the next morning still with huge amounts. Bob gave me a hug and said it would all work out. I started to walk away. That's all I remember. The next thing I know Bob is screaming my name and my head and back hurt. I had passed out and fallen into my dresser. We called the doctors office and they said to come right in. I was incredibly weak at this point. The doctor did an ultrasound.
Here's where the story actually has a bright spot. He said we not only have a baby BUT the baby has a heartbeat!!!! 6'8" and I both sobbed uncontrollably. It was the most amazing thing. I think the doctor was as shocked as we were. Nonetheless, he did say that there was a huge blood clot right next to the baby and I was still bleeding quite heavily....Turns out that I was actually bleeding from a burst blood vessel inside my uterus...right next to the baby. That's what caused the blood clot. They said it could have been a second fetal sack that pulled away from the wall and exposed the blood vessel.They decided to do some blood work because the doctor said I didn't look good. Believe me when I tell you, I didn't feel good. While they were running my hemoglobin I started to feel really hot, kind of vacant, and then I couldn't see anyone...then I couldn't hear anyone. I remember waking up hearing them call my name and I was on a gurney going through some halls. Silly, but at that moment I remember how good the cool air felt as they were breezing me through the hospital hallways because I felt like I couldn't breathe.
Anyhow, they get me into emergency. The poor Residents Doctors on call...they were in for quite a treat. They ended up pumping 6 bags of IV fluid in me and they still couldn't get my blood pressure stabilized (it was 60's/40's then 70's/40's) plus I was still bleeding profusely...I mean huge amounts. The highest they could get my blood pressure was 80's over 50. The whole time I kept thinking "Hang in there little baby, we're going to make it. Just be strong." I think at this point they were prepared to send me to surgery for a D&C. They sent us up to do another ultrasound and much to their shock and our delight we still had a baby with a heartbeat. Yipppeee! Problem was they couldn't stabilize me and I'd lost a ton of blood. My hemoglobin had dropped to below 8.
At that point my doctor ordered a blood transfusion. They ended up giving me 4 transfusions before my blood pressure stabilized, which was now late night into the early morning. It went to 90/60 something. I really started to feel okay again. I went from not being able to hold my head up to being able to drink some ginger ale.
The bleeding had slowed down but still hadn't stopped. Finally, it tapered off to what every woman knows as a "heavy day". Still not good when you're pregnant but much better than the previous 24 hours.
At that point I figured I should let AC and DC know that I wouldn't be in for work. LOL. So Bob called the guys and told them the story then I got on the phone to talk to them. Of course I didn't give them all the details, afterall I know how guys don't like to hear "those" details...just enough for them to know that I was in the hospital and wouldn’t be in for the show. Plus I didn’t want to alarm anyone. :)
Meanwhile, they had me on clear liquids in case they would have to do surgery later that day. We were very relieved when an ultrasound at 1pm revealed that we still had a baby with a heartbeat. 6'8" and I were literally holding our breath until we saw that heartbeat. This baby sure is a fighter.
The doctor came into see us and basically said that the baby's doing okay but there is still a huge blood clot right next to it. He said I need to remain on bed rest for a few days and we'll just have to watch this.
We saw the doctor again on Saturday after they released us the day before. The ultrasound showed that the baby had just about doubled in size since Wednesday morning. We were so relieved. Bad news is that the blood clot got a little bigger too.
I'm trying to be the model patient. I'm on bed rest and moving as little as is absolutely necessary. To be very honest, I've felt so weak that I really haven't wanted to move much. I've been doing a lot of sleeping. I'm on iron supplements and trying to eat as healthy as possible. Plus, 6'8" has to give me shots every morning...yep!....on my backside....Ouch! I know this is all worth it. We've wanted a child for so long and I'll do whatever it takes.
I will continue to do the best that I possible can to make sure this little life inside of me has the best possible chance to say hi to all of you in 7 1/2 months. I've gotta think positive.
Wow, this has been great therapy. Thank you all again for all of your thoughts, prayers, and e-mails. It has meant so much to me.
Special Note from 6'8" (I'm Kell's husband Bob):
Kell has been in the hospital with complications from the pregnancy. The good news is that both kell and the baby are doing better. It's been a really rough week.
Kell will be updating the diary in the next day or so...so please check back. She'll have the full story as to what happened (not for the faint of heart...believe me I was there).
In the meantime, feel free to drop her an e-mail at Kellywhot@aol.com
and please keep us all in your prayers.
Over the weekend (actually, at the 5G Shopping Spree on Saturday) two of our qualifiers, Tracy and Amy, presented 6"8" and me with the cutest little Cleveland Browns baby outfit and the coolest thing I have ever read. They had it framed for me to hang in the baby's room. It's called "Hi Mommy" and it touched me so deeply that I started crying (I'm kind of emotional these days). This is how it goes:
Just a note from me to you to keep you up to date.
On how my life's changing while we both await.
Please don't mind my kicks, my legs and arms just need to move a bit.
I don't now what you look like yet
But I already know your voice.
I like when you sing and talk to me while I'm in this place.
These nine months are so special when we are joined as one.
Please have patience, it won't be long until we are together.
Our family is growing with many special days to come.
But the most special one, the one I'm looking forward to,
Is the day you hold me in your arms.
But for now until I'm there, I just wanted you to know,
I LOVE YOU MOM!!
Your New Bundle of Joy
How cool is that! Wow, we have the nicest people right here in this area. I am truly blessed to be surrounded with such wonderful people who care.
Goodnight Dear Diary,
Another day and we're still pregnant. Yipppeee! Everyday that passes is one more day closer to what my doctor called the "safe zone". He also said that most pregnant women in their 30's are considered "high risk" and I'm one of them. This leads to some very interesting lifestyle changes. Everyone told us that there would be changes. I'm not sure they were talking about these:
Rule1: No working out, no eliptical, no stairmaster (heart rate under 140)...just walking.
That's okay because I have lots of shopping to do.
Rule 2: Good diet...no problem. It will help me avoid all of those Christmas cookies.
Rule 3: No Sex....Uh...that's right, the doctor said none...at least for me...for now.
Let's see if I have this right...
My hormones are raging like a teenager in puberty, my chest is popping out of my previously too big wonder bra's, we have mistletoe in the bedroom doorway, and the doctor says no whoppee for a few more weeks.
Hmmmm......I thought the no sex part was AFTER the baby arrived. I have so much to learn.
Poor 6'8'. he's gone from feast to famine. I remember somebody told us last year to enjoy every moment of trying to have a baby. Now I know what they meant.
It's all good. We wouldn't change a thing. We are just so excited about being parents.
It's time for my cold shower now. Goodnight Dear Diary.
It's official. I have absolutely nothing to wear. Alright, maybe I'm exagerating just a little.
Yesterday we had our HOT-101 5G Shopping Spree giveaway at the Shenango Valley Mall. I knew we'd be on stage and I knew everyone would be noticing how tight my pants were. I had planned to wear jeans but none of them fit. I was so worried that if I wore them slightly tight I might actually harm the baby. Is that possible Dear Diary? Has anyone ever had complications from wearing their regular jeans a smidge tight? Well I certainly don't want to be the first. I feel so responsible for every little thing that affects this baby. I'm not taking any chances. Is this what's known as "nesting"? Well then, I guess I'm officially nesting.
So today we go to a movie. I tell Bob that I really just want to stop at the mall so I don't have to worry about what to wear tomorrow. You see, I'm at that really awkward stage...early pregnancy.
I don't look pregnant. In fact, I actually look like I've just been eating a few too many of my mom's Christmas cookies.
Of course Bob says "Oh honey, you look great." That's why I love him so much. I hugged him and thanked him for being so sweet. I also asked him to please tell me that as often as possible for the next 9 months.
So I start my trek at the mall to look for pants...keeping in mind that I'm 5'10" so regular lengths don't fit. There are only a few stores that carry long lengths. I decided to check out the Mother-To-Be store. I expected the clerk to say something like..."Oh, are you shopping for a gift for someone?" Uh, no...we just found out that we're expecting and none of my pants fit....
After seeing the polyester panels in some of the pants I realized that I certainly don't need maternity pants just yet, no matter how fat I feel.
The funniest part was that they have these little empathy bellies in the fitting room. You velcro them around your waist so you know how you'll look in three months. I got so excited looking at how my belly will look in just a few months.
I'll tell you what bummed me out... Remember how excited I was about my new larger bust? (really only a full B cup...but BIG for me) Well, with that 3 month empathy belly on I couldn't even find my chest! Do the "girls" continue to grow along with my belly? I sure hope so.
This is so exciting. Everyday that goes by I feel that much better knowing that this new little life is growing inside of me. How cool is that?
Goodnight Dear Diary,
I'm exhausted...mentally and physically. I'm currently on 18 hours of bedrest. This was probably the scariest 24 hours of my life. Yesterday I went in for another round of bloodwork...everything was great and I walked out happy.
Then late yesterday afternoon I thought I was having a miscarriage. Not just spotting....heavier, much heavier. I called the doctors office in a panic. They were closed... I paged them. When I described what was going on they were very concerned as well. They basically said that if that happens there's really not much you can do about it. I didn't sleep at all. My alarm went off and I put on my gameface and went to work this morning for a few hours until the doctors office called to see if they could get me in early this morning. They fit me in first thing. 6"8" took the day off school so he could be there with me. (Plus I was so shook up I really needed some moral support). They did an ultrasound, bloodwork and some other tests....
Now for the good news to this whole story, and there is good news. The bloodwork was excellent AND we got to see our little "bambino" on the ultrasound screen for the first time!!!!!Wow! I started balling my eyes out right away.
My tears turned to laughter as I thought it was just me who wasn't sure exactly what we were looking at on the screen. It's kind of confusing. Thank goodness Bob stepped up and asked the doctor to show it to us again, as we were pretty sure we were looking at a big grape...Bob said it resembled a lunar rover landing video on Mars.
I was afraid to say something for fear they would take away my "mommy card" after all what kind of a mother-to-be can't identify her own growing fetus on a 6 inch black and white computer screen. Uhhh...Me!
I have so much to learn Dear Diary, but for now I will say another prayer to thank God that as of today I'm still pregnant.
I don't feel well today...I really don't feel well...queezy...kind of queezy. Hmmm. I guess it's a good sign. I've had two blood tests at the doctors office and the results were very good. Actually, in the words of the nurse they were "better than good." Yeahhh!
If only I can keep my balance to walk around the office today. I feel so light-headed. I'm kind of queezy again but maybe I just need to make myself eat something. That's a first for me, Ha! When have I ever had to make myself eat something? I know I'm sick when there are donuts in the office kitchen and I don't want any. Hmmmm.
Goodnight dear diary,
This whole being pregnant thing is wild! Everything is changing...including the girls up-top if you know what I mean. I'm in a meeting and all of the sudden they "come alive". I look around to see if anyone else notices cause I sure hope not! They're "alive...that's the best way I can describe it. They're also getting larger! Wooo-whooo! I actually had to take the push-up pads out of my wonder bra's. For the first time in my life I'm actully a "full B cup"...I know....still small by most comparisons but BIG for me.
So I'm sitting in the studio and I notice AC looking at me and then smilling. A little later, same thing...then DC is checking me out. I busted both of them for staring at my newly sized chest. They were blushing but as AC said "it's like seeing your 13 year old sister go through puberty." Thanks guys! I have to be honest though. I've been looking down at the girls alot too. Do they stay like this forever?...probably not. I guess it's just nature's way of getting "the dairy" ready.
Oh well. I think I want to go bra shopping just so I can actually buy a 36 B with no padding. LOL
Goodnight dear diary.
I'm PREGNANT!!!!!!! Let me type that again...I'm Pregnant!!!!
I must have looked so silly at the red lights today. I kept looking at myself in the rear view mirror saying "I'm preg-nant......I am PREGNANT......Yes,me, I'm pregnant.....I am pregnant!"
It sounds so surreal but it's official! After the past three years of trying to have a baby... 6 foot 8 and I are pregnant. I have said so many prayers and I truly believe that God heard me as well as all of the people who were praying for us. We are about to experience the true miracle of life. I can't wait. My eyes are tearing up as I write this. To think that there is something so special growing inside of me right now....It's really amazing.
Telling our parents over the weekend was so exciting...I was trembling and I couldn't stop crying. Needless to say, they were overjoyed! They are so ready to be grandparents.
I was feeling much of the same trembling this morning when I asked AC and DC how they felt about being "uncles." They were speechless, shocked, and thrilled for us.
Of course, amazing was also seeing the two pink lines in the viewing window of the EPT...actually, I think it was a First Response brand. I've bought so many of them over the past 3 years and when they didn't give me the positive result I was looking for I would do what any sane woman who was longing to have a child would do....I'd switch brands. I actually have one test left. I think I might take another one again tonight...just because I love seeing those two pink lines...and wow were they pink!
Due dates?...I have no idea. Everything we've tried during the past year has my "schedule" pretty wacked out if you know what I mean.
So....after looking at a calendar....I'll just stay close to a hospital delivery floor for most of the months of July and August just to be safe.
Prayers really do get answered.
PSSSSSS...Dear Diary, Now that we're pregnant alot of people have asked about our adoption that we are doing through China. Well, here's how we see it. We started out wanting two children. We were going to have a baby and then we were going to adopt one. After two years, we decided that it didn't matter in what order the babies arrived so we went ahead with our plans to adopt a baby girl from China. That was this past summer. It's been an exciting 5 months as we've completed our home study, parenting classes, Child Care, and CPR classes and prepared our Dossier Documents. We're still waiting to hear from the INS for clearance so we're still about 6-10 months away. Yes, we are still going to adopt our baby from China. We asked God to give us children and he is. We feel very blessed.
I was at the mall this week and after having tried on one-too-many pairs of jeans and looking at myself one-too-many times in those three-way mirrors, I have decided it's time to start a new diet.
How lucky for me that I also discovered this "new diet" at the mall. I'm strolling past Bath & Body Works and the words Creme Brullee caught my attention...go figure. Sure enough, Bath & Body Works has a new line of Bath Beads, Moisturizing Souffles, Lip Balms, and Body Scrubs.....
They are soooooo delicious!!!!!! They come in great flavors like Creme Brulee, Angel Food Cake, Chocolate Fondue, Cinnamon Frosting, Sugar Wafer, and Lemon Meringue.
I literally had all the symptoms of a sugar rush by the time I left the store. Of course I started with the Creme Brulee lip gloss and it's already half gone. I sure hope this new diet works. And pay no attention to me if in public you see me chugging directly from the lip gloss tube. Is this how Jessica Simpson stays so thin with her new dessert line of body products?
Dear Santa, please put more Tutti Dolce on my list this year...and a pair of size 10 jeans...preferably with the stretchy lycra weave fabric just in case I have a few too many holiday cookies.
As you know it's been rough getting through all of the government requirements for the adoption. I haven't wanted to admit it to anyone....but with the holidays on the way, I've really been kinda' down lately. I keep thinking about how lonely it will be without children in our lives in future years. Then I get even sadder when I think about those poor kids who live in orphanages and don't have "holidays" or families like we do. It just seems like we're never gonna get to the stage where we're actually flying home on a plane with a child in our arms....
After my little pitty party for myself, I signed on to my e-mail and there was this really cool letter from one of our listeners. It made my whole friggin' day!!! Here's how it went......
I listen to you every morning and my heart goes out to you in your quest for a child. My daughter died in 2002 at age 4. She was a wonderful loving child. After her death I went through the fertility drugs and did not have success. After that my marriage fell apart. I turned to adoption. I started in January and I brought my two beautiful girls home in September. They have been here two months and are already understanding 80% of what is said and are talking up a storm. It was a wonderful experience. They are from central siberia and are both 7 years old. They were best friends in the orphanage and are now sisters. It was an answer to all of our prayers.
I am attaching photos. I went through Commonwealth Adoption in Wexford PA 724-772-8190. They are great. There were so many wonderful healthy children available. I know how you are feeling during this time. The great joy when you are late and then the big fall when you know you are not pregnant. I know of the money involved and the stress the chemicals puts on your body. I just want you to know that you have other fantastic options available - the children are beautiful and if I had the money and the room I would go back for more. My two daughters are so precious and we love each other like they were always mine. When they called me momma and called out the the people in the orphanage telling them that they had a momma now I was overcome with joy. Never give up on your fight for a child but I want you to know that when you adopt a child the love is the same and these children have a great deal of love to give. They know what it is like not to have a mother.
I wish you the best and am praying for you.
Wow, diary! That was just boost that I needed. Needless to say, I'm smiling now. :)
Goodnight Dear Diary...
I was off the hook for Thanksgiving. My cousin called and said the one thing they were missing was cranberry sauce.... viola! It comes in a can! Yes, I can bring that along with the beverages!
Finally something I can bring and feel like I'm contributing to the whole Thanksgiving dinner thing.
But here's the really tacky part.... The reason I had cranberry sauce is that Giant Eagle had sent me a coupon for a free can...and that's what I took…the FREE can!
How tacky of me! I mean it's not like 6'8" and I were going to finish off a can of cranberry sauce so it seemed like I was putting it to good use.
I really don’t even like cranberry sauce. If it weren't for the fact that they ate it at the very first Thanksgiving would we still force ourselves to put a tablespoon of it on our plates at Thanksgiving?
I mean really...who likes the stuff? I use it as a diet tool. I figure if it's on my plate it's taking up room so I can't add too many mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, or dinner rolls.
I fool myself...yes...that's what I do...fool myself.
As I sit here stuffed up to my ear drums on food I ask myself that all important reality question...
"And how's that working for me?"
Goodnight Dear Diary,
I wasn't feeling well this weekend so we stayed home and rented some movies, watched some hockey...I mean NBA games, and caught up on some sleep.
6'8" and I spent most of the weekend working on adoption papers. Several of our forms need to be redone as they were not acceptable to the Chinese government.
Bob's medical form had a slight (pea size) coffee stain on it from the doctors office...I had changed a number from a 2 to a 3 on one of my forms...apparently a real no-no to the Chinese government.
Our social worker told us that the Chinese government will not accept documents that are in any way "less than perfect". They are very superstitious and believe that such things can cause bad luck.
Perhaps that's been my problem my whole life and I never knew it. LOL
6'8" and I decided that considering our track record we decided we should go ahead and re-do all of the forms that were questionable. Hey, it can't hurt, right? Besides, anything to help speed up the adoption process is worth it to us.
Now we have to head back to the doctors, the police clearance, the fire inspector, the financial institutions, the insurance company, and the notary. Blah.....(And we're not even parents yet.. :)
Goodnight Dear Diary,
Allow me to show my shallow side.... So it's the annual planning o' the Thanksgiving Dinner. And of course I get the call from my cousin saying "call me so we can find something for you to bring".
I was always "off the hook" until I got married a few years ago...my mom would just make extra and it would "count" for me. Being married really changes your responsibilities in this dept. (You're also expected to send out Christmas cards to everyone who even received an invitation to your wedding...for the next 20 years...)
Now it's a well known fact that my husband and I don't cook...keeping that in mind, I wrote to my cousin and reminded her of my limited culinary skills. I wrote " As you know we're pretty good with beverages (wine, pop, etc), baked pies (from Giant Eagle), vegetable trays, chips, dips AND we've also mastered microwave popcorn, frozen Stouffers entrees, Lean Cuisine, and toaster waffles."
I THOUGHT she'd say something like...oh..just bring some wine like you did last year......But nooooo...
She told us to bring the wine but she ended it by saying "and any other dish you might want to bring". Noooooo.... We all know that when a woman says "and anything else you want to bring"...it means...BRING SOMETHING ELSE TOO......and whatever I make will be horrible...and no one will eat it...and I'll be the only one carrying my Corning Ware casserole dish full of food home with me!
How embarrassing to have everyone NOT eat the one dish that you brought....It's the biggest insult! It gets passes around....no one asks for seconds...
It sits alone in the center of the table like it carries the SARS virus.
No one even wants it sitting next to their plate like it's going to jump out and touch their "good" food! Arghhhhh!!!!!
6 Days to worry about "and anything else you'd like to bring"......
Maybe I'll find something in the frozen food dept. at Sam's.....
Good night Dear Diary.
Here’s my great quote for the day…No, I didn’t write it but I wish I would have.
I love it!
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, Champagne in one hand, strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, “WOO-HOO – what a ride!”
Goodnight Dear Diary.
I got the coolest e-mail! Let me back-track....
Of course you know that Bob and I have been trying to have a baby for a while now...a long while. Anyhow, we both feel that we're supposed to be parents. We just feel like there is some soul in the universe that is supposed to be with us...it doesn't matter how it gets here....
You never know what path you're supposed to be on...our path has taken a slightly different direction...Adoption!
What's really cool is that back in the mid to late 90's when I was very "single" I had thought about adopting as a single mom...I knew that I would be ready in a few years and if there was no "man" in my life I thought I would adopt a child.
What's really weird is that last year when things weren't going well in the "trying to have a baby department" Bob had told me the story of how back in the mid nineties he had thought about adopting and being a single dad if he didn't find anyone! How cool that we had both thought about adopting before we even knew each other!
Anyhow, this past summer we signed the papers to adopt a baby.
Everyone has been so open about talking about adoption...I've learned so much through people
e-mailing us and giving us info on things to watch out for. Very helpful!
I just got an e-mail that absolutely brought tears to my eyes! A lady wrote to me and said she had heard about our pending adoption. She wrote, "Kelly, welcome to the mom's by adoption club."
I cry when I think about it. I'm going to be a mom! It still gives me goosebumps to say it outloud. Does being a mom make you cry all the time?
Okay...that's all for now dear diary.
Well, here we are…6’8” and I want to be parents and we've decided that we’re going to adopt a baby! I keep pinching myself because it still seems surreal. Someday I'll tell you the whole story about how we arrived at this point. Everyone has their story.
The hardest part of this whole thing was deciding what country to go through. There are so many needy kids…Russia, Kazakhstan, China, India, South America, and Guatemala. Couldn’t we just get on a first available list? We finally decided on China. We’re almost through the home study process. In fact, the fire inspector just left. We passed…but I did learn something very interesting. I didn’t know that fire extinguishers had an expiration date! Did you? Anyhow, we’ll be making a trip to Wal-Mart to buy one of those big 30 lb fire extinguishers just to be safe.
Last weekend we had to attend Child Care, Baby/Child CPR classes and Parenting classes. Two separate days…8 hours each…In Cleveland and Columbus. Boy was my backside tired of sitting. To heck with teaching kids birth control in school. Just make each and every teenager attend these classes and I'm pretty sure that will do the trick.
So were at these parenting classes and they’re talking about keeping your child away from the stove when your cooking. Now it’s a well-known fact that 6”8” and I don’t cook. Our oven doesn’t even work…Our biggest fear is that our doorbell will ring and they’ll be a delivery man standing there and we’ll find out that our child ordered a pizza when we weren’t paying attention. Oh the stories we’ll have once this child arrives!
Goodnight dear diary….